i just got a ticket. i ran a red light. and there was a cop. dammit. i am so pissed. pissed that i didn't think of a better excuse, and pissed that i am not street smart whatsoever! i'm gonna fight the ticket, but dammit, i am pissed.
*sigh* it's a stupid thing to get angry over. it's so frustrating, but you know, my life does not suck. i mean, i don't have a job, and all the job offers i've gotten are too far away, and my life is pretty much at a stand still till i get a job. but still, i should be thankful for everything i do have. important thing is to not let this get me down. i'll fight it and that's the best i can do. if this lesson has taught me anything, is the system can be bought. there is no such thing as fairness and equity. it's all about who you know, and what you can do for each other. that's something they don't teach you in school.
that's what i hate about living at home. you get caught up in the old rat race. and it's almost why do i make myself suffer so much for things i don't even need. why do i let other people control my future. i don't know what it really means to want something. and i don't know what i really means to fight for something. all i see is what's right in front of me.
and what i realize, it's not even the money or the demerit points that's bothering me. it's the feeling of powerlessness. i don't like it. i'm waiting for things to come to me, and i know nothing will happen unless i make it happen. i'm not made for this world. it's time i found my own answers.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Thursday, December 20, 2007
important lessons
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a
"life.."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a
"life.."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
hey hey, i'm at work!
so i woke up early this morning at 5 am to come into work. it's 2 pm and i'm still at work. i could've gone home at 1, even earlier than that really cuz my supervisor isn't here. but i'm toughin it out cuz i have a few deadlines to meet. i have to time-code the food bank story i shot, to publicize our CWY food drive. unfortunately, being the lowly volunteer that i am at the bottom of the totem pole, i can't seem to get any time in the editing suites. i dont know if i can get this piece to air before thursday!!! which totally defeats the point of me even doing it! boooooo!
and being the only one in my tuin dui that actually works downtown, i have to go into sobey's today to talk to the manager about our food drive on thursday.
and then i have to meet someone at 5 pm to interview him about the community winds project, which is basically a bunch of windmills being built across new brunswick.
my work counterpart james got into work this morning about 10, and he left about 1. i don't really blame him for working so little. i mean, i can, but i'm not gonna. it's hard to work in an environment where you don't speak the language fluently. and i don't have the time to baby sit him, so i just let him go home early.
funny thing. last night, me and sarah went around neighborhoods handing out flyers for our food drive. in negative degree weather. for an hour. but whatever. it was good exercise. but what pisses me off is that there are 6 people in our tuin dui, and only me and sarah did it. shirley hurt her knee 3 weeks ago, and so she didn't want to come with us. kevin and nick just came back from montreal and were too tired to come out. and amy, her excuse was the best of all. she wanted to take a shower. A SHOWER PEOPLE!!!
so anyways, i came back home around 10:30 pm and saw amy in the kitchen. I asked her, did you take your shower yet? and she said no. I asked her why not? and she said she had to help shirley "write something about a picture" and to "research the exchange rate between Canada and China" i'm like what? that is so disrespectful! so whatever shirley is doing is important enough to miss your shower, but what our tuin dui was doing was not! amy explained that she had planned to take a shower, but then shirley asked for her help, and that she didn't think it would take very long. and it took longer than she expected, blah blah blah blah. amy saw that i was pissed and started laughing! she said in china it is okay to do this. that her chinese friends would understand. so i asked her, okay, so if i asked james, or nick, or nancy about this, they would say it's okay? and she started backtracking on her words. eventually, she admitted she was "maybe wrong" and rah rah rah. so i just told her, well if this is "okay" in china i'm not going to do any work for our tuin dui! if i'm feeling tired, i'm just not gonna help out. and then she started panicking. she said "in china, you should not do what i do"
i know, right?
and being the only one in my tuin dui that actually works downtown, i have to go into sobey's today to talk to the manager about our food drive on thursday.
and then i have to meet someone at 5 pm to interview him about the community winds project, which is basically a bunch of windmills being built across new brunswick.
my work counterpart james got into work this morning about 10, and he left about 1. i don't really blame him for working so little. i mean, i can, but i'm not gonna. it's hard to work in an environment where you don't speak the language fluently. and i don't have the time to baby sit him, so i just let him go home early.
funny thing. last night, me and sarah went around neighborhoods handing out flyers for our food drive. in negative degree weather. for an hour. but whatever. it was good exercise. but what pisses me off is that there are 6 people in our tuin dui, and only me and sarah did it. shirley hurt her knee 3 weeks ago, and so she didn't want to come with us. kevin and nick just came back from montreal and were too tired to come out. and amy, her excuse was the best of all. she wanted to take a shower. A SHOWER PEOPLE!!!
so anyways, i came back home around 10:30 pm and saw amy in the kitchen. I asked her, did you take your shower yet? and she said no. I asked her why not? and she said she had to help shirley "write something about a picture" and to "research the exchange rate between Canada and China" i'm like what? that is so disrespectful! so whatever shirley is doing is important enough to miss your shower, but what our tuin dui was doing was not! amy explained that she had planned to take a shower, but then shirley asked for her help, and that she didn't think it would take very long. and it took longer than she expected, blah blah blah blah. amy saw that i was pissed and started laughing! she said in china it is okay to do this. that her chinese friends would understand. so i asked her, okay, so if i asked james, or nick, or nancy about this, they would say it's okay? and she started backtracking on her words. eventually, she admitted she was "maybe wrong" and rah rah rah. so i just told her, well if this is "okay" in china i'm not going to do any work for our tuin dui! if i'm feeling tired, i'm just not gonna help out. and then she started panicking. she said "in china, you should not do what i do"
i know, right?
Monday, November 12, 2007
nuff of the winjing
okay, im feeling a lot more calm this morning, so hopefully i can get through a post without sounding totally negative about my experience here.
my life is pretty relaxed. my host family lives in a really nice house, with a dishwasher, no fighting over milk.
heres what an average day looks like for me...
everyday i go to work at rogers for 9:30 am. if im sometimes late, its okay. no biggie. but on tues and thurs i have to be there at 6 am, to help out with the french morning show "deux bon'heures". that means i have to wake up around 5 am to get ready and im having a really hard time with that. last time, i practically fell asleep operating the camera. master control was like "camera 3, pan to the right. camera 3. pan right...camera 3!" and then i pop awake and jerk the camera right. and fall back asleep :-P
im also filming my own pieces to air for the local news channel. i could be more proactive about it, but im kinda indifferent towards broadcast journalism. i mean, i dont really love it. i prefer print journalism, and have been putting in a lot of effort working my side job with the newspaper. and another reason is that my camera man is james, and he is so hard to direct. you tell him what you want him to film, and he doesnt listen. hes always zooming this way and that way, and he never wants to use the tripod so shots come out shakey. ive thought about just training myself on camera and doing the shoots myself, except the camera is pretty heavy. and then james wouldnt have anything to do at work.
i get off work anywhere from 1 pm to 4 pm, depending on the day and workload. i bike home, have some food. sometimes i'll work out at the YMCA. sometimes we have Tuin Dui meetings. and sometimes ill just chill with some of the other CWYouthers.
So you might be wondering, whats a tuin dui? tuin dui means 'group' in mandarin. there are 18 participants in our bigger group, and we are divided into three smaller groups, or tuin dui's. our tuin dui is called "the rock stars" and theres me, amy, sarah, shirley, nick and kevin.
this thursday we are supposed to organize a food drive in our tuin duis. we were supposed to distribute bags to neighborhood houses, with flyers attached asking for food donations, as well set up a donation box at a local supermarket. unfortunately, cuz its remembrance day weekend, all the stores are closed so we couldnt get any photocopying done. and two of our members are away in montreal so im supremely jealous! although not so much with the 20 hour car ride there and back...
anyways, ive got a pretty packed schedule. phone supermarket, handout bags, finish my newspaper article, interview 3 more people this week, edit a piece for rogers. and to think, this is only a portion of the business of most people's daily lives. i dont know if i can handle the real world. gahhhh!!!
my life is pretty relaxed. my host family lives in a really nice house, with a dishwasher, no fighting over milk.
heres what an average day looks like for me...
everyday i go to work at rogers for 9:30 am. if im sometimes late, its okay. no biggie. but on tues and thurs i have to be there at 6 am, to help out with the french morning show "deux bon'heures". that means i have to wake up around 5 am to get ready and im having a really hard time with that. last time, i practically fell asleep operating the camera. master control was like "camera 3, pan to the right. camera 3. pan right...camera 3!" and then i pop awake and jerk the camera right. and fall back asleep :-P
im also filming my own pieces to air for the local news channel. i could be more proactive about it, but im kinda indifferent towards broadcast journalism. i mean, i dont really love it. i prefer print journalism, and have been putting in a lot of effort working my side job with the newspaper. and another reason is that my camera man is james, and he is so hard to direct. you tell him what you want him to film, and he doesnt listen. hes always zooming this way and that way, and he never wants to use the tripod so shots come out shakey. ive thought about just training myself on camera and doing the shoots myself, except the camera is pretty heavy. and then james wouldnt have anything to do at work.
i get off work anywhere from 1 pm to 4 pm, depending on the day and workload. i bike home, have some food. sometimes i'll work out at the YMCA. sometimes we have Tuin Dui meetings. and sometimes ill just chill with some of the other CWYouthers.
So you might be wondering, whats a tuin dui? tuin dui means 'group' in mandarin. there are 18 participants in our bigger group, and we are divided into three smaller groups, or tuin dui's. our tuin dui is called "the rock stars" and theres me, amy, sarah, shirley, nick and kevin.
this thursday we are supposed to organize a food drive in our tuin duis. we were supposed to distribute bags to neighborhood houses, with flyers attached asking for food donations, as well set up a donation box at a local supermarket. unfortunately, cuz its remembrance day weekend, all the stores are closed so we couldnt get any photocopying done. and two of our members are away in montreal so im supremely jealous! although not so much with the 20 hour car ride there and back...
anyways, ive got a pretty packed schedule. phone supermarket, handout bags, finish my newspaper article, interview 3 more people this week, edit a piece for rogers. and to think, this is only a portion of the business of most people's daily lives. i dont know if i can handle the real world. gahhhh!!!
here i go again
okay, my previous entry got cut off so im back. with nothing really new to say...
it snowed in moncton for the first time yesterday. and i went over go sarahs place today to watch tv, cuz thats just how exciting my life is. anyways, i was going thru her camera, and there were like a billion photos of her counterpart shirley playing in the snow. i asked her, waddup, was this like a shirley photo shoot? and sarah was like yeah, it was her first canadian snowfall, i had to document it. didnt u do it for your counterpart. and im like um, hell no. and then she called me a bad counterpart. and im like, yeah, im a bad counterpart. why dont u be her counterpart if you think its so easy.
the thing is, amy isnt outwardly offensive. she isnt aggressive or intentionally mean like that. but its just her very being, its in her character, which i dont like. and im never one to not like someone just for the heck of it. something about her in the most fundamental sense, i cant stand. nothing about her comes off as endearing to me. and the stupid thing is, no matter what i say about her, none of you can really understand what i mean. you havent met her, you havent seen her, you havent had any contact with her. everything you know about her is through my words, and obviously thats pretty skewed. but trust me, you would not choose to be her friend. i can guarentee you this. and its not cuz shes a bitch. she is just plain annoying. and boring. and i want to get away from her, as much as possible. how is this for cultural understanding?
have i learned anything these past two months? i havent a bloody clue. am i any more patient? i am and im not. i can tolerate a lot of BS, but im also teetering on the edge of sanity.
am i happy i did this? yeah, at least i know i tried. and no, because i probably could have spent my time better than babysitting...for free.
yes i would like to quit. but i want to go to china, just to see what its like. i mean, i really dont care about going, but at the same time...i have to. its like ill never get over the what mitve been, even tho i hate it right now. having to be chained down, having to be dependent on others, and knowing nothing of the familiar. and the snow! all the fucking...freezing...snow. brrrrrrr
it snowed in moncton for the first time yesterday. and i went over go sarahs place today to watch tv, cuz thats just how exciting my life is. anyways, i was going thru her camera, and there were like a billion photos of her counterpart shirley playing in the snow. i asked her, waddup, was this like a shirley photo shoot? and sarah was like yeah, it was her first canadian snowfall, i had to document it. didnt u do it for your counterpart. and im like um, hell no. and then she called me a bad counterpart. and im like, yeah, im a bad counterpart. why dont u be her counterpart if you think its so easy.
the thing is, amy isnt outwardly offensive. she isnt aggressive or intentionally mean like that. but its just her very being, its in her character, which i dont like. and im never one to not like someone just for the heck of it. something about her in the most fundamental sense, i cant stand. nothing about her comes off as endearing to me. and the stupid thing is, no matter what i say about her, none of you can really understand what i mean. you havent met her, you havent seen her, you havent had any contact with her. everything you know about her is through my words, and obviously thats pretty skewed. but trust me, you would not choose to be her friend. i can guarentee you this. and its not cuz shes a bitch. she is just plain annoying. and boring. and i want to get away from her, as much as possible. how is this for cultural understanding?
have i learned anything these past two months? i havent a bloody clue. am i any more patient? i am and im not. i can tolerate a lot of BS, but im also teetering on the edge of sanity.
am i happy i did this? yeah, at least i know i tried. and no, because i probably could have spent my time better than babysitting...for free.
yes i would like to quit. but i want to go to china, just to see what its like. i mean, i really dont care about going, but at the same time...i have to. its like ill never get over the what mitve been, even tho i hate it right now. having to be chained down, having to be dependent on others, and knowing nothing of the familiar. and the snow! all the fucking...freezing...snow. brrrrrrr
Sunday, November 11, 2007
another day in my life
i am getting pretty bored of canada world youth. there is little to nothing to entertain me here. i have no car, i have no phone, i make $15 a week on allowance, and umm...there are no hotties in moncton :-P haha...geez.
but seriously, i am feeling rather restless. the exchange with china is proving to be a real bust. apart from 2 or 3 of them, most of the chinese are rather closed minded, and its impossible to have an intellectual exchange with them about politics, international development or any other topic of the sentient variety. my own counterpart gets excited if i happen to know chinese celebrities that she knows.
i, in all honesty, would like to go home. but im stubborn as shit. i can bitch and complain, but in the end i just dont know when to quit.
but seriously, i am feeling rather restless. the exchange with china is proving to be a real bust. apart from 2 or 3 of them, most of the chinese are rather closed minded, and its impossible to have an intellectual exchange with them about politics, international development or any other topic of the sentient variety. my own counterpart gets excited if i happen to know chinese celebrities that she knows.
i, in all honesty, would like to go home. but im stubborn as shit. i can bitch and complain, but in the end i just dont know when to quit.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the roof is on fire
11:47pm Thursday, Oct 25
okay. so things have calmed down. things arent ideal, and realistically speaking, probably never will be. but at least weve backed off from the cliff, and no ones jumped off yet. though i stress the yet. theres always some kinda drama in the group. and i can only say that its not easy being a CWY project supervisor. its a never ending deluge of problems for ben and cash.
dont get me wrong. there are a lot of people who get along. and we do have fun together. but the shit that goes down...dudes. honestly, its absolutely ridiculous. its exasperating. its like pure oxygen beside an open flame. things are bound to explode. and have.
but i want to take this time to share the brighter side of things. cuz its not all crazy. its not all bad. its not all fighting. despite our differences, between canadians and chinese, within the canadians, and within the chinese, we have our moments of understanding. that despite growing up in completely different worlds, theres still this intrinsic part of human nature that we can relate and connect to. and its hard. because the differences seem to outweigh anything we could ever find familiar. but thats what this experience is all about. being able to recognize and reconcile those differences. and maybe, just maybe, accept that its okay to be different.
of course, there is still that huge step between knowing and acting. it will take a long time and a lot of effort before i can say amy and i are fine. i dont feel anger towards her anymore. instead i feel sorry for her, but i dont want to. pity doesnt do anyone favours. i want her to step up, and take action for her own life. she is so completely socially awkward, that she has managed to alienate the majority of people she meets...in canada at least. even when shes in a group, shes alone. shes in the conversation, but never part of it. she trails people around in silence, latching onto any iota of affection, of inclusion, and by that very action manages to isolate herself even more.
i dont know what her life is like in china. im curious to find out, but i cant promise i will make it there. even now. i make no promises. am i a bad person? or maybe im just human.
okay. so things have calmed down. things arent ideal, and realistically speaking, probably never will be. but at least weve backed off from the cliff, and no ones jumped off yet. though i stress the yet. theres always some kinda drama in the group. and i can only say that its not easy being a CWY project supervisor. its a never ending deluge of problems for ben and cash.
dont get me wrong. there are a lot of people who get along. and we do have fun together. but the shit that goes down...dudes. honestly, its absolutely ridiculous. its exasperating. its like pure oxygen beside an open flame. things are bound to explode. and have.
but i want to take this time to share the brighter side of things. cuz its not all crazy. its not all bad. its not all fighting. despite our differences, between canadians and chinese, within the canadians, and within the chinese, we have our moments of understanding. that despite growing up in completely different worlds, theres still this intrinsic part of human nature that we can relate and connect to. and its hard. because the differences seem to outweigh anything we could ever find familiar. but thats what this experience is all about. being able to recognize and reconcile those differences. and maybe, just maybe, accept that its okay to be different.
of course, there is still that huge step between knowing and acting. it will take a long time and a lot of effort before i can say amy and i are fine. i dont feel anger towards her anymore. instead i feel sorry for her, but i dont want to. pity doesnt do anyone favours. i want her to step up, and take action for her own life. she is so completely socially awkward, that she has managed to alienate the majority of people she meets...in canada at least. even when shes in a group, shes alone. shes in the conversation, but never part of it. she trails people around in silence, latching onto any iota of affection, of inclusion, and by that very action manages to isolate herself even more.
i dont know what her life is like in china. im curious to find out, but i cant promise i will make it there. even now. i make no promises. am i a bad person? or maybe im just human.
weekend retreat into insanity
2:32pm Monday, Oct 22
so i just moved to my new host family, and they are very nice people. it's a french family, but they speak english. my host mom's name is chantal, my host dad is renald, and their 21-year old daughter is named Laura. the nice thing is i'm still living in downtown moncton, so i don't have to travel that far for work at rogers.
i'm doing a lot at my work placement. james is fully trained on camera, so we can go out and do our own shoots now. this morning i went out and did a street piece. and this weekend i think i'm going to cover a new skatepark reopening. tomorrow, i'm reporting for another roger's producer on elderly health care in new brunswick. the only sucky thing is that i'm not allowed to drive any sort of mortorized vehicle during CWY, so i'm limited as to what i can shoot unless i can arrange a car ride to carry all the camera equipment. i know, right? right?!
i've also started freelancing with a few local newspapers. doing interviews and profiles. i've got two cover pieces lined up for next week. i'm also in negotiations to get CWY a regular column in one of the newspapers. suffice it to say, i'm a little busy. but it's a productive kinda busy. which is nice after spending two years sleeping at my desk/toilets in japan :-P
on the flip side, my relationship with my counterpart amy has hit a new low. our entire group spent the weekend at a retreat. we did some reflection, group bonding, re-evaluation, etc.
one of our activities included drawing up a contract with our counterparts. we did this exercise called "start, stop, continue" where we were supposed to tell our counterpart what we wanted them to start, stop and continue doing. you guys could probably guess i had quite a long list drawn up.
anyways, i told her what she could start doing. ie. be more independent. take more initiative. etc. then it was her turn. she told me she wanted me to start teaching her english. Our supervisors made it a requirement that we had to spend at least 4 hours a week doing language lessons with our counterparts (2 hours english, 2 hours mandarin). I told her okay, i agree to teach you at least 2 hours a week. And she said no, i want at least 4.
I told her that because this would be going into our contract, i didn't want to commit to anything I might not be able to fulfill. I said, if i have time i'll teach you more, but on paper we'll just write two. and she basically freaked. she said that she came to canada to learn english, and it was my job as her counterpart to teach her english. i told her, you might have come to canada to learn english. but i didn't come here to teach english!
eventually i compromised and said i would teach her at least 3 hours a week. but she wouldn't budge. she said at least 4. and when i still said no, she went to talk to our supervisors Ben and Cash to complain. Of course they sided with me, and she threw a tantrum. she told cash that if she didn't get what she wanted, she would quit the programme. and cash said, go ahead, quit! and she got SO pissed off. taaaantrum!!! she ran away, and didn't particpate in the rest of the evening's activities.
anyways, that was on saturday afternoon. we haven't talked since then. for me, the difference between 3 and 4 hours is trivial. but it's symbolic of our relationship. she think i'm in this programme for her, and that i should be catering to her needs. that's how she acts with all the people in the group. that we're all supposed to be taking care of her. but i want her to know she can't get away with this behaviour. she needs to own up to her responsibilities. she can't be so demanding all the time. especially when she doesn't give anything back.
anyways, like i've already said, i'm just taking this one day at a time. i don't know what it will be like living with amy's family in china. but i'm curious to see how she is at home.
i have a small group meeting tonight to plan a educational day for wednesday. amy and i will have to play nice. thought at this point, i'm at the threshold of my patience.
so i just moved to my new host family, and they are very nice people. it's a french family, but they speak english. my host mom's name is chantal, my host dad is renald, and their 21-year old daughter is named Laura. the nice thing is i'm still living in downtown moncton, so i don't have to travel that far for work at rogers.
i'm doing a lot at my work placement. james is fully trained on camera, so we can go out and do our own shoots now. this morning i went out and did a street piece. and this weekend i think i'm going to cover a new skatepark reopening. tomorrow, i'm reporting for another roger's producer on elderly health care in new brunswick. the only sucky thing is that i'm not allowed to drive any sort of mortorized vehicle during CWY, so i'm limited as to what i can shoot unless i can arrange a car ride to carry all the camera equipment. i know, right? right?!
i've also started freelancing with a few local newspapers. doing interviews and profiles. i've got two cover pieces lined up for next week. i'm also in negotiations to get CWY a regular column in one of the newspapers. suffice it to say, i'm a little busy. but it's a productive kinda busy. which is nice after spending two years sleeping at my desk/toilets in japan :-P
on the flip side, my relationship with my counterpart amy has hit a new low. our entire group spent the weekend at a retreat. we did some reflection, group bonding, re-evaluation, etc.
one of our activities included drawing up a contract with our counterparts. we did this exercise called "start, stop, continue" where we were supposed to tell our counterpart what we wanted them to start, stop and continue doing. you guys could probably guess i had quite a long list drawn up.
anyways, i told her what she could start doing. ie. be more independent. take more initiative. etc. then it was her turn. she told me she wanted me to start teaching her english. Our supervisors made it a requirement that we had to spend at least 4 hours a week doing language lessons with our counterparts (2 hours english, 2 hours mandarin). I told her okay, i agree to teach you at least 2 hours a week. And she said no, i want at least 4.
I told her that because this would be going into our contract, i didn't want to commit to anything I might not be able to fulfill. I said, if i have time i'll teach you more, but on paper we'll just write two. and she basically freaked. she said that she came to canada to learn english, and it was my job as her counterpart to teach her english. i told her, you might have come to canada to learn english. but i didn't come here to teach english!
eventually i compromised and said i would teach her at least 3 hours a week. but she wouldn't budge. she said at least 4. and when i still said no, she went to talk to our supervisors Ben and Cash to complain. Of course they sided with me, and she threw a tantrum. she told cash that if she didn't get what she wanted, she would quit the programme. and cash said, go ahead, quit! and she got SO pissed off. taaaantrum!!! she ran away, and didn't particpate in the rest of the evening's activities.
anyways, that was on saturday afternoon. we haven't talked since then. for me, the difference between 3 and 4 hours is trivial. but it's symbolic of our relationship. she think i'm in this programme for her, and that i should be catering to her needs. that's how she acts with all the people in the group. that we're all supposed to be taking care of her. but i want her to know she can't get away with this behaviour. she needs to own up to her responsibilities. she can't be so demanding all the time. especially when she doesn't give anything back.
anyways, like i've already said, i'm just taking this one day at a time. i don't know what it will be like living with amy's family in china. but i'm curious to see how she is at home.
i have a small group meeting tonight to plan a educational day for wednesday. amy and i will have to play nice. thought at this point, i'm at the threshold of my patience.
chicken flied lice?
7:06pm Tuesday, Oct 16
i'm uber busy, uber stressed this week. but thought i'd drop y'all a line to let ya know my decision, or as the french say, decision. i've decided to (dramatic pause) stay! cuz in the end i realized something really deep and meaningful about myself. i love me my chinese food :-P
i'm uber busy, uber stressed this week. but thought i'd drop y'all a line to let ya know my decision, or as the french say, decision. i've decided to (dramatic pause) stay! cuz in the end i realized something really deep and meaningful about myself. i love me my chinese food :-P
an update
1:43pm Friday, Oct 12
my supervisor ben gave me until this weekend to decide if i will leave or stay.
i would like to go home. but i'm afraid it'll seem like i couldnt cut it. And it's not as if i think being home will be perfect either. i just can't figure out if it would be more mature to stay or to go.
my relationship with my counterpart amy is nominal. it seems she hasn't been able to bond with anyone canadian or chinese. but as her counterpart the onus is on me to support her. and i recognize its my duty to do so, but i'm having trouble connecting with her. i seriously think she has mental health issues. not in a dangerous way to herself or to anyone around her. but she's very socially awkward. like she's emotionally stunted. You would think she was 14 and not 22. but she is the way she is. despite the idiosyncrisies she does need help. and i need to be more patient and understanding. i know this. not just with amy, but with all my relationships.
things aren't going well with my host family either. my host mom complained during a hostfamily meeting that i was coming home too late, and so now there's a curfew for all the CWY participants. 11 pm on weekdays and 2 am on weekends. it's not a major deal. i'm sure most famlies won't impose it and i'll be changing host families in a week anyways. 3 famlies in 1.5 months. i feel like a foster child!
my work placement at rogers cable is going well though. i've shot a few pieces that have aired. and i'm pretty much being given creative freedom to shoot anything i want. i'm gonna do a few pieces on CWY. unless i leave first of course...
i don't want sympathy by saying i was dealt a bad hand. i am being challenged. and i don't know if it's my age, or just the way i am. but i'm having trouble adjusting. i dunno. i mean, in any bad situation there can be something good about it. and maybe if i tough it out to the end, i'll be transformed in ways i can't even fathom now. and if i quit i'll never know!
or maybe... i'm just wasting my time.
my supervisor ben gave me until this weekend to decide if i will leave or stay.
i would like to go home. but i'm afraid it'll seem like i couldnt cut it. And it's not as if i think being home will be perfect either. i just can't figure out if it would be more mature to stay or to go.
my relationship with my counterpart amy is nominal. it seems she hasn't been able to bond with anyone canadian or chinese. but as her counterpart the onus is on me to support her. and i recognize its my duty to do so, but i'm having trouble connecting with her. i seriously think she has mental health issues. not in a dangerous way to herself or to anyone around her. but she's very socially awkward. like she's emotionally stunted. You would think she was 14 and not 22. but she is the way she is. despite the idiosyncrisies she does need help. and i need to be more patient and understanding. i know this. not just with amy, but with all my relationships.
things aren't going well with my host family either. my host mom complained during a hostfamily meeting that i was coming home too late, and so now there's a curfew for all the CWY participants. 11 pm on weekdays and 2 am on weekends. it's not a major deal. i'm sure most famlies won't impose it and i'll be changing host families in a week anyways. 3 famlies in 1.5 months. i feel like a foster child!
my work placement at rogers cable is going well though. i've shot a few pieces that have aired. and i'm pretty much being given creative freedom to shoot anything i want. i'm gonna do a few pieces on CWY. unless i leave first of course...
i don't want sympathy by saying i was dealt a bad hand. i am being challenged. and i don't know if it's my age, or just the way i am. but i'm having trouble adjusting. i dunno. i mean, in any bad situation there can be something good about it. and maybe if i tough it out to the end, i'll be transformed in ways i can't even fathom now. and if i quit i'll never know!
or maybe... i'm just wasting my time.
woa bu xiao
3:25pm Friday, Oct 5
i feel so confused. cwy is not what i expected it to be. i expected it to be a challenge. i expected it to be difficult. i expected it to be a learning experience. and it is. but not in the way i expected.
since the day i arrived, i've thought about quitting. and there were quite a few times, especially in the past week, where i came very close to leaving. and yet, everytime i feel i can't take it anymore...something tells me to wait and see. i don't know whether or not i'll make it to china. it really is one day at a time.
it's difficult because there is such a divide between the chinese and canadians. not everyone is being problematic, but the few that have issues are infecting the rest of the group. and i'll be honest, i'm one of the people with issues.
i'm very strong willed, and as some of you might be well aware of, blunt :-P and that doesn't necessarily translate well between cultures. and it's something i'm aware of, and i'm taking the effort to soften my rough edges.
in the month i've been here, i've learned a lot about chinese people. yes, they do not think the same way as canadians. yes, they come from a different culture where they do things differently. but what i think is the most important lesson i've learned so far, if i can use the cliche, is that deep down we are the same.
we all have the need to be respected. we all want to be happy. we all want to love and be loved. whenever the canadians and chinese clash, some of the chinese people say that "this is how we do things in china. you do not understand our culture." and while this may be true, this does not mean we don't want to learn and understand.
and personally, i feel like i understand them more than they realize. i was raised in a chinese household. i went to chinese school. i only spoke chinese for the first 5 years of my life. most of my friends growing up were chinese. i don't celebrate christmas, i celebrate chinese new years. i eat chinese food everyday at home. and while i admit i am not chinese in the way that a person born and raised in china is chinese. their culture is still very much alive in me and all chinese canadians who live here whether by birth or immigration.
i don't want the chinese people in our group to feel like they need to live in this box while they are in canada. where no one understands them, or is even capable of trying. it's one day at a time.
i feel so confused. cwy is not what i expected it to be. i expected it to be a challenge. i expected it to be difficult. i expected it to be a learning experience. and it is. but not in the way i expected.
since the day i arrived, i've thought about quitting. and there were quite a few times, especially in the past week, where i came very close to leaving. and yet, everytime i feel i can't take it anymore...something tells me to wait and see. i don't know whether or not i'll make it to china. it really is one day at a time.
it's difficult because there is such a divide between the chinese and canadians. not everyone is being problematic, but the few that have issues are infecting the rest of the group. and i'll be honest, i'm one of the people with issues.
i'm very strong willed, and as some of you might be well aware of, blunt :-P and that doesn't necessarily translate well between cultures. and it's something i'm aware of, and i'm taking the effort to soften my rough edges.
in the month i've been here, i've learned a lot about chinese people. yes, they do not think the same way as canadians. yes, they come from a different culture where they do things differently. but what i think is the most important lesson i've learned so far, if i can use the cliche, is that deep down we are the same.
we all have the need to be respected. we all want to be happy. we all want to love and be loved. whenever the canadians and chinese clash, some of the chinese people say that "this is how we do things in china. you do not understand our culture." and while this may be true, this does not mean we don't want to learn and understand.
and personally, i feel like i understand them more than they realize. i was raised in a chinese household. i went to chinese school. i only spoke chinese for the first 5 years of my life. most of my friends growing up were chinese. i don't celebrate christmas, i celebrate chinese new years. i eat chinese food everyday at home. and while i admit i am not chinese in the way that a person born and raised in china is chinese. their culture is still very much alive in me and all chinese canadians who live here whether by birth or immigration.
i don't want the chinese people in our group to feel like they need to live in this box while they are in canada. where no one understands them, or is even capable of trying. it's one day at a time.
all i meant to say
9:05pm Friday, Sep 21
Yesterday I caused an international incident!
On Thursday our CWY group met up to discuss international development. Our supervisor split us up into pairs, and assigned us each a topic to research like neoliberalism, marxism, export led growth, etc. Mine and Francis had to read an essay by a certain Ivan Illich called "To hell with good intentions" look it up online to read the entire article, but i'll give a summary.
Illich basically argues that oversea volunteer programmes are not a good thing. he sees programmes like Peace Corps, CWY, Youth Challenge International, etc. as middle-class exporting programmes. Where middle-class people go into poor countries, trying to save the poor, but are only (consciously or not) promoting middle class values. Teaching the poor that in order to be happy they must be like us. They must embrace the capitilistic machine. And by going there we are re-affirming the status quo, in the ever increasing divide between the rich and the poor.
Illich calls these overseas volunteer projects "mission-vacations". the majority of volunteers are not capable of helping, because we don't have the proper training, we most likely cannot speak the language, and the only people we will meet are middle class people like us. In fact, we are making more problems than we are solving by being there.
That's the gist of what i was going to present to the group. Although a controversial string of thought, not necessarily something the chinese in our group would get upset over. Unfortunately i chose to lead our presentation with a skit. Unfortunately i chose to use China as the example developing country. Unfortunately, the chinese did not understand the concept of satire.
In my skit, francis and i played the ignorant and idealistic overseas volunteer who have come to rural china to save them from poverty. we said things like "wow, china is so poor! And how lucky they are that we are here to help!" I chose to present ourselves as exagerated caricatures of the kind of people Illich was railing against. Unfortunately, the chinese people assumed that this was mine and Francis' personal opinion. They got pissed. They interruped with comments like "China is NOT poor!" and they got extremely defensive. one of the chinese girls started crying!
woah! i tried to explain myself, but they were not in the mood to listen. Then they started blaming Ben for even giving this topic for us to research. And Ben said he refused to apologize for discussing criticisms of volunteer projects like CWY.
The stupid thing is, that if i had chosen ANY other country besides China to use in our skit, there wouldn't have been a problem. It was a blow to their nationalistic pride. The chinese people do not see themselves as poor. They do not seem to understand the concept of a developing country. They think Chairman Mao was a good leader. They do not think the government censors them.
We're all getting ready to go home, and Summer (the chinese girl who cried) stays behind to argue with Ben. And I go outside and see some other chinese people arguing with some canadians. No one is in the mood for listening. Only arguing and believing what they want to believe.
I go home, and i'm eating dinner with my host family. and my counterpart amy does not say a word throughout dinner. Then at the end she looks at me and asks "karen, can i ask you a question?" I say "yes" Then she says, "Why do you hate China?"
Two hours later, Amy understands what i was trying to say. And tonight i saw a bunch of the other chinese people and they seem to have calmed down. But summer still gives us canadian cut eye. the girl with the best english out of all the chinese is the one who refuses to listen.
there is so much more to say, but that will have to wait for another day. there is a lot of good that CWY does, but it is not a perfect programme. A realization that has been nagging me from day one.
Yesterday I caused an international incident!
On Thursday our CWY group met up to discuss international development. Our supervisor split us up into pairs, and assigned us each a topic to research like neoliberalism, marxism, export led growth, etc. Mine and Francis had to read an essay by a certain Ivan Illich called "To hell with good intentions" look it up online to read the entire article, but i'll give a summary.
Illich basically argues that oversea volunteer programmes are not a good thing. he sees programmes like Peace Corps, CWY, Youth Challenge International, etc. as middle-class exporting programmes. Where middle-class people go into poor countries, trying to save the poor, but are only (consciously or not) promoting middle class values. Teaching the poor that in order to be happy they must be like us. They must embrace the capitilistic machine. And by going there we are re-affirming the status quo, in the ever increasing divide between the rich and the poor.
Illich calls these overseas volunteer projects "mission-vacations". the majority of volunteers are not capable of helping, because we don't have the proper training, we most likely cannot speak the language, and the only people we will meet are middle class people like us. In fact, we are making more problems than we are solving by being there.
That's the gist of what i was going to present to the group. Although a controversial string of thought, not necessarily something the chinese in our group would get upset over. Unfortunately i chose to lead our presentation with a skit. Unfortunately i chose to use China as the example developing country. Unfortunately, the chinese did not understand the concept of satire.
In my skit, francis and i played the ignorant and idealistic overseas volunteer who have come to rural china to save them from poverty. we said things like "wow, china is so poor! And how lucky they are that we are here to help!" I chose to present ourselves as exagerated caricatures of the kind of people Illich was railing against. Unfortunately, the chinese people assumed that this was mine and Francis' personal opinion. They got pissed. They interruped with comments like "China is NOT poor!" and they got extremely defensive. one of the chinese girls started crying!
woah! i tried to explain myself, but they were not in the mood to listen. Then they started blaming Ben for even giving this topic for us to research. And Ben said he refused to apologize for discussing criticisms of volunteer projects like CWY.
The stupid thing is, that if i had chosen ANY other country besides China to use in our skit, there wouldn't have been a problem. It was a blow to their nationalistic pride. The chinese people do not see themselves as poor. They do not seem to understand the concept of a developing country. They think Chairman Mao was a good leader. They do not think the government censors them.
We're all getting ready to go home, and Summer (the chinese girl who cried) stays behind to argue with Ben. And I go outside and see some other chinese people arguing with some canadians. No one is in the mood for listening. Only arguing and believing what they want to believe.
I go home, and i'm eating dinner with my host family. and my counterpart amy does not say a word throughout dinner. Then at the end she looks at me and asks "karen, can i ask you a question?" I say "yes" Then she says, "Why do you hate China?"
Two hours later, Amy understands what i was trying to say. And tonight i saw a bunch of the other chinese people and they seem to have calmed down. But summer still gives us canadian cut eye. the girl with the best english out of all the chinese is the one who refuses to listen.
there is so much more to say, but that will have to wait for another day. there is a lot of good that CWY does, but it is not a perfect programme. A realization that has been nagging me from day one.
introduuuucing...
3:51pm Saturday, Sep 15
i figure i should introduce the members of my CWY group, as im gonna be talking a lot about them.
Ben (30) - canadian supervisor. hes been a CWY supervisor with the china programme for 4 years now. a bit disorganized, but a pretty funny guy.
Sarah (22) - from calgary, AB. she's taking a break from her uni studies in geography. shes a competitive orienteer who just came back from the world orienteering championships in the ukraine. for those of you who dont know what orienteering is, its where you get thrown in the middle of the woods with nothing but a map and a compass, and you have to find all the check points in the fastest time to win.
Luwam (23) - from Mississauga, ON (mississaugaWUT!!!). she just graduated from york university with a degree in criminology. this girl loves her r&b, hip hop and chinese girls with num chuck skills. awwwww yeah!
Stephanie (24) - Eskasoni, Nova Scotia. Steph is a native american from the migma tribe (aka. mic mac, but thats not pc). she lives on a reserve and its part of their culture to ask a lot of questions. ie. steph comes over to my house yesterday, and she asks my host mom as soon as she walks in "do you live in a bad neighborhood?" shes so funny she doesnt even know how funny she is. this girl deserves her own reality tv show.
Brigette (22) - from Ottawa, ON. she has acadian french roots, so she rocks the bilingualism (ii na?) super friendly and optimistic.
Fabiola (2?) - shes a francophone from montreal, who speaks a bit of english. i dont understand what she says to me in french cuz she speaks way too fast. so i nod and say "oui" or "n'est pas?" (the japanese equivalent of so desu ne?)
Patrick (23) - from fort langly, BC. he graduated from forestry school, and keeps his eye on the lumber prize. we step off the bus in New Brunswick and he points to some trees and says "those are the first trees ive seen so far that have been worth logging"
Francis (22) - from Quebec City, QC. he is, as the french say it, very fer-anch. very quebecois. nuf said.
Kevin (22) - also from Montreal. see above.
The chinese:
Cash (30) - the chinese supervisor. okay english. doesnt seem to do much, but thatll prolly change in china.
Summer (25) - the oldest of teh chinese. teaches english in china. unofficial team leader and translator for the chinese.
Nandy (23) - aka. numchuck girl. surprisingly funny girl. shes one of those people who are so funny without realizing it. she says whats on her mind, which isnt always the most tactful of things. but because shes chinese, its funny.
Amy (22) - aka. the ball and chain. she just graduated from uni in english tourism (which explains why she tries so hard to learn english). her english isnt that good. its good compared to most of my japanese students, but the other chinese participants have better english than her.
Shirley (20) - super exagerated mannerisms. you know the kind of person that gets excited over everything. honestly, it sounds like shes orgasming all the time when she talks. ill have what shes having.
Alyssa (20) - the only girl in teh chinese group that drinks. she gets wasted off two beers, which is good seeing that we only get $15/week. sometimes it pays to be a cheap drunk.
James (20) - hes working with me at Rogers cable. strong silent type, but easy to get along with. he pronounces his name as Jims, so i have to tell people afterward he meant to say James, cuz people think Jims is his chinese name.
Sheng Yi (2?) - his parents are government officials, which means hes loaded. hes probably richer than any of teh canadians. but hes not terribly friendly or talkative towards us...
Strong (2?) - yes, he named himself strong. in chinese, his name means strong. pretty cool name i reckon. he has very little english, and he got paired up with fabiola who also has little english. but they get along great despite that.
Nick (2?) - the best english speaker of the chinese guys. hes cool and laidbacked. altho he really likes taking pictures of himself...
i figure i should introduce the members of my CWY group, as im gonna be talking a lot about them.
Ben (30) - canadian supervisor. hes been a CWY supervisor with the china programme for 4 years now. a bit disorganized, but a pretty funny guy.
Sarah (22) - from calgary, AB. she's taking a break from her uni studies in geography. shes a competitive orienteer who just came back from the world orienteering championships in the ukraine. for those of you who dont know what orienteering is, its where you get thrown in the middle of the woods with nothing but a map and a compass, and you have to find all the check points in the fastest time to win.
Luwam (23) - from Mississauga, ON (mississaugaWUT!!!). she just graduated from york university with a degree in criminology. this girl loves her r&b, hip hop and chinese girls with num chuck skills. awwwww yeah!
Stephanie (24) - Eskasoni, Nova Scotia. Steph is a native american from the migma tribe (aka. mic mac, but thats not pc). she lives on a reserve and its part of their culture to ask a lot of questions. ie. steph comes over to my house yesterday, and she asks my host mom as soon as she walks in "do you live in a bad neighborhood?" shes so funny she doesnt even know how funny she is. this girl deserves her own reality tv show.
Brigette (22) - from Ottawa, ON. she has acadian french roots, so she rocks the bilingualism (ii na?) super friendly and optimistic.
Fabiola (2?) - shes a francophone from montreal, who speaks a bit of english. i dont understand what she says to me in french cuz she speaks way too fast. so i nod and say "oui" or "n'est pas?" (the japanese equivalent of so desu ne?)
Patrick (23) - from fort langly, BC. he graduated from forestry school, and keeps his eye on the lumber prize. we step off the bus in New Brunswick and he points to some trees and says "those are the first trees ive seen so far that have been worth logging"
Francis (22) - from Quebec City, QC. he is, as the french say it, very fer-anch. very quebecois. nuf said.
Kevin (22) - also from Montreal. see above.
The chinese:
Cash (30) - the chinese supervisor. okay english. doesnt seem to do much, but thatll prolly change in china.
Summer (25) - the oldest of teh chinese. teaches english in china. unofficial team leader and translator for the chinese.
Nandy (23) - aka. numchuck girl. surprisingly funny girl. shes one of those people who are so funny without realizing it. she says whats on her mind, which isnt always the most tactful of things. but because shes chinese, its funny.
Amy (22) - aka. the ball and chain. she just graduated from uni in english tourism (which explains why she tries so hard to learn english). her english isnt that good. its good compared to most of my japanese students, but the other chinese participants have better english than her.
Shirley (20) - super exagerated mannerisms. you know the kind of person that gets excited over everything. honestly, it sounds like shes orgasming all the time when she talks. ill have what shes having.
Alyssa (20) - the only girl in teh chinese group that drinks. she gets wasted off two beers, which is good seeing that we only get $15/week. sometimes it pays to be a cheap drunk.
James (20) - hes working with me at Rogers cable. strong silent type, but easy to get along with. he pronounces his name as Jims, so i have to tell people afterward he meant to say James, cuz people think Jims is his chinese name.
Sheng Yi (2?) - his parents are government officials, which means hes loaded. hes probably richer than any of teh canadians. but hes not terribly friendly or talkative towards us...
Strong (2?) - yes, he named himself strong. in chinese, his name means strong. pretty cool name i reckon. he has very little english, and he got paired up with fabiola who also has little english. but they get along great despite that.
Nick (2?) - the best english speaker of the chinese guys. hes cool and laidbacked. altho he really likes taking pictures of himself...
a wise rabbit once told me...
11:48pm Friday, Aug 31
hey guys!!! i made it to moncton safe and sound! OMG, these past 3 days have been CRAZY you would not believe. i arrived in halifax, nova scotia on july 28, and i met the other 8 canadian participants in my group at the airport, as well as 9 other canadian participants doing another exchange with canada world youth (CWY). we all went to a training camp in halifax for 3 days. seriously, if i could have a camera crew follow me around, you guys would all be laughing your asses off.
when i said CWY would be complete opposite of JET, i was not exagerating. instead of the swank keio plaza, CWY rented out a BIBLE camp in the middle of nowhere for our orientation. so there were all these posters and drawings on the wall, with inspirational sayings like "don't be like bill. bill doesn't know god. mike knows god. be like mike" and the food was typical camp food. for lunch i had cheese and tomato sauce toasted over hamburger buns. swank
and while i expected myself to be the oldes participant at age 25 (tech the programme is only for ppl aged 17-24), i didn't expect there to be so many TEENAGERS. ok, i should clarify. there are two CWY groups going to china. one is my group (moncton/yichang). we're all aged 21-25. and theres the younger one (charlottetown/yichang) and they're 17-20. so the first 3 months we won't be together, but in china we will. i have never felt so old in my life as i did during those three days at orientation. i just kept thinking...what have i gotten myself into? it's like i'm hanging out on the set of boy meets world or something. god, what a dated reference, i'm so out of the teenager loop.
anyways, on the second day our chinese counterparts arrive. when i say day, i mean 3 am. so the chinese girls going to moncton slept with us in the same cabin. one of the chinese girls, nancy (she pronounces it lancy) pulled something out of her suitcase. she asked us "what do u call this in english?" i didn't have my glasses on, but i was like "are those num chucks???!!!" they were.
we hadnt decided who would be paired with who yet, but we were given temporary partners just to show them around the camp. i got a girl named chen man (she gave herself the english name andy). her english is how we say...not so good. anyways, she clung to me like glue! at breakfast she's like "where's karen" and when i get up to go to the washroom she looks really panicky and asks where i'm going. i had to fill out my visa application, and i told her to do her own thing. she told me she'll wait for me. umm...okaaaay.
right, so yesterday morning ben (our project supervisor) decided the fairest way to decide permanent partners was to do a random draw. me and luwam (she's also from mississauga!) were joking around saying that she'd get num chuck girl, and i'd get the superclingy one. i think we jinxed ourselves cuz thats who we got!!! lol...its okay. i think its funny more than anything. but one thing i do have to teach andy, apart from alone time, is personal space. shes one of those close talkers. u know the type, every time u take a step back they step forward. i gotta be tactful about it just cuz my mandarin is shit, and her english is shit, and i dont wanna insult her.
today, we got assigned our host families. mine is a single mother named gina, who has a 14-year old daughter thats there every other week. she's francophone but speaks really good english. and she's a dietitcian! which hopefully means i'll be eating really heaithy! she's away this weekend running a marathon, so i'm staying with a temporary host family. i'm really looking forward to working on my french, because moncton is a bilingual city. but people have warned me that they speak acadian french here. it's a mix of french and english called chiac. ex. "je vais parker mon car"
these next 6 months will be a challenge to say the least. while i have had my doubts, i do feel this will be a very transformational experience. it's a once in a lifetime deal sure to be full of surprises. i'll find out my moncton work placement by friday. oh, and i already know what i'll be doing in china. you'll never guess. teaching english. lol. figures :-P
man an! (good night)
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." -- Bugs Bunny.
hey guys!!! i made it to moncton safe and sound! OMG, these past 3 days have been CRAZY you would not believe. i arrived in halifax, nova scotia on july 28, and i met the other 8 canadian participants in my group at the airport, as well as 9 other canadian participants doing another exchange with canada world youth (CWY). we all went to a training camp in halifax for 3 days. seriously, if i could have a camera crew follow me around, you guys would all be laughing your asses off.
when i said CWY would be complete opposite of JET, i was not exagerating. instead of the swank keio plaza, CWY rented out a BIBLE camp in the middle of nowhere for our orientation. so there were all these posters and drawings on the wall, with inspirational sayings like "don't be like bill. bill doesn't know god. mike knows god. be like mike" and the food was typical camp food. for lunch i had cheese and tomato sauce toasted over hamburger buns. swank
and while i expected myself to be the oldes participant at age 25 (tech the programme is only for ppl aged 17-24), i didn't expect there to be so many TEENAGERS. ok, i should clarify. there are two CWY groups going to china. one is my group (moncton/yichang). we're all aged 21-25. and theres the younger one (charlottetown/yichang) and they're 17-20. so the first 3 months we won't be together, but in china we will. i have never felt so old in my life as i did during those three days at orientation. i just kept thinking...what have i gotten myself into? it's like i'm hanging out on the set of boy meets world or something. god, what a dated reference, i'm so out of the teenager loop.
anyways, on the second day our chinese counterparts arrive. when i say day, i mean 3 am. so the chinese girls going to moncton slept with us in the same cabin. one of the chinese girls, nancy (she pronounces it lancy) pulled something out of her suitcase. she asked us "what do u call this in english?" i didn't have my glasses on, but i was like "are those num chucks???!!!" they were.
we hadnt decided who would be paired with who yet, but we were given temporary partners just to show them around the camp. i got a girl named chen man (she gave herself the english name andy). her english is how we say...not so good. anyways, she clung to me like glue! at breakfast she's like "where's karen" and when i get up to go to the washroom she looks really panicky and asks where i'm going. i had to fill out my visa application, and i told her to do her own thing. she told me she'll wait for me. umm...okaaaay.
right, so yesterday morning ben (our project supervisor) decided the fairest way to decide permanent partners was to do a random draw. me and luwam (she's also from mississauga!) were joking around saying that she'd get num chuck girl, and i'd get the superclingy one. i think we jinxed ourselves cuz thats who we got!!! lol...its okay. i think its funny more than anything. but one thing i do have to teach andy, apart from alone time, is personal space. shes one of those close talkers. u know the type, every time u take a step back they step forward. i gotta be tactful about it just cuz my mandarin is shit, and her english is shit, and i dont wanna insult her.
today, we got assigned our host families. mine is a single mother named gina, who has a 14-year old daughter thats there every other week. she's francophone but speaks really good english. and she's a dietitcian! which hopefully means i'll be eating really heaithy! she's away this weekend running a marathon, so i'm staying with a temporary host family. i'm really looking forward to working on my french, because moncton is a bilingual city. but people have warned me that they speak acadian french here. it's a mix of french and english called chiac. ex. "je vais parker mon car"
these next 6 months will be a challenge to say the least. while i have had my doubts, i do feel this will be a very transformational experience. it's a once in a lifetime deal sure to be full of surprises. i'll find out my moncton work placement by friday. oh, and i already know what i'll be doing in china. you'll never guess. teaching english. lol. figures :-P
man an! (good night)
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." -- Bugs Bunny.
here we go again
2:41am Tuesday, Aug 28
today i'm flying out to new brunswick to start my time with canada world youth. i'm just so used to moving around, that i'm acting very non-chalant about this. i mean, this is not going to be an easy experience. it'll be a complete 180 from my time in Japan. for one, i won't be making any money. second, i will be living with a host family for 6 months (3 in NB, and 3 in china). i'll have a chinese counterpart attached to my hip for those 6 months. i won't be allowed to drive (i love driving!). i won't even be allowed to leave my host community without asking my supervisor for permission! but for the most part, it hasn't even hit me i'm starting this new adventure in a few hours. i mean, i haven't even PACKED yet. procastinator to the end, and it's my fault i've had to cancel a few dates with friends. sorry guys!! i wish i had more time...
this week i'll be at orientation camp getting to know the other 8 canadians and 9 chinese that will be in my group. and our host families will be there. i won't know who my counterpart, who my family will be, or what job i'll be doing until the end of camp. i'll try to update often. gambatte ne!
today i'm flying out to new brunswick to start my time with canada world youth. i'm just so used to moving around, that i'm acting very non-chalant about this. i mean, this is not going to be an easy experience. it'll be a complete 180 from my time in Japan. for one, i won't be making any money. second, i will be living with a host family for 6 months (3 in NB, and 3 in china). i'll have a chinese counterpart attached to my hip for those 6 months. i won't be allowed to drive (i love driving!). i won't even be allowed to leave my host community without asking my supervisor for permission! but for the most part, it hasn't even hit me i'm starting this new adventure in a few hours. i mean, i haven't even PACKED yet. procastinator to the end, and it's my fault i've had to cancel a few dates with friends. sorry guys!! i wish i had more time...
this week i'll be at orientation camp getting to know the other 8 canadians and 9 chinese that will be in my group. and our host families will be there. i won't know who my counterpart, who my family will be, or what job i'll be doing until the end of camp. i'll try to update often. gambatte ne!
honey i'm home!
Sunday, Aug 12
ahoyoy!
i've been back in the m-dot for three days now, and i am def experiencing reverse culture shock! i never thought i'd happen to me! first off, i keep wanting to drive on the left side of the road (canada u drive on the right). second, i keep wanting to holler sumimasen to waiters in the restaurant, and i've had to stop myself from saying arigato a few times. i can no longer sleep 8 hours consecutively but take naps in 2 hour intervals throughout the day. and i am always always sleepy (which did not bode well when my friends tried to take me out clubbing on my second day back). i went downtown toronto today, and was simply amazed by the ethnic diversity. and the general tallness of people. i had forgotten how short i am here! i've actually come to realize what a cool city toronto really is. it's ghetto, but its vibrant and alive. there are real people here with real emotions. they show anger, happiness, sadness and general lunacy without the societal mask imposed on japanese people. i have two weeks left in mississauga before i leave again, and i'm wishing i had more time to rediscover this place i call home. komattana?
ahoyoy!
i've been back in the m-dot for three days now, and i am def experiencing reverse culture shock! i never thought i'd happen to me! first off, i keep wanting to drive on the left side of the road (canada u drive on the right). second, i keep wanting to holler sumimasen to waiters in the restaurant, and i've had to stop myself from saying arigato a few times. i can no longer sleep 8 hours consecutively but take naps in 2 hour intervals throughout the day. and i am always always sleepy (which did not bode well when my friends tried to take me out clubbing on my second day back). i went downtown toronto today, and was simply amazed by the ethnic diversity. and the general tallness of people. i had forgotten how short i am here! i've actually come to realize what a cool city toronto really is. it's ghetto, but its vibrant and alive. there are real people here with real emotions. they show anger, happiness, sadness and general lunacy without the societal mask imposed on japanese people. i have two weeks left in mississauga before i leave again, and i'm wishing i had more time to rediscover this place i call home. komattana?
Thursday, June 28, 2007
my life as i never know it
and it never does seem to get any easier. i'm 25 now, and as confused with what i want as i've ever been. i've matured in a lot of ways since i've been in japan, and grown more comfortable with who i am. at the same point, it's a comfort that grows out of complacency than actual spiritual awakening. but in a month i'll be waking up from this japanese dream, and that's no time at all is it?
last night, i dreamt that i went home to canada. but it was a unexpected trip home, and although i was excited to be back, i realized i had forgotten all my things back in japan. i was anxious and needed to come back to kagoshima for my things. my parents said you don't need them. you can buy new things. and i'm like no, i have to back. i have unfinished business. i need to say good bye to japan. and then i woke up to the sound of pouring rain and heavy winds pounding against my window.
it doesn't take freud to figure out the meaning of that dream. i'm afraid of leaving japan. worried that i'll have forgotten something here. japan and canada are halfway across the world from each other. it's not an impossible distance, but they are such two worlds apart that they might as well be on separate planets. after this august, i don't have any immediate plans to return to japan. the way i've spent my two years here, trying to do everything i can, experience everything i can, go everywhere i can, it's almost as if i'm planning to never to come back.
i'm excited to go home, because...it's home. but i'm afraid i'll go back and it'll be like these past two years never happened. it'll all feel like a dream, and i'll forget faces and names. i'll forget everything i've learned, and the person i am now. i love who i am. i love who i was. but i'm looking forward to who i will become as well.
i'm not reluctant to leave japan, i'm having an awesome time, but it's time to move on. it's been a haven of sorts. no responsibilities, free time to persue anything i want. and yet i feel suffocated by it sometimes. like nothing here counts in the real world. like a two year vacation. i need to get back on track. whatever that may be.
last night, i dreamt that i went home to canada. but it was a unexpected trip home, and although i was excited to be back, i realized i had forgotten all my things back in japan. i was anxious and needed to come back to kagoshima for my things. my parents said you don't need them. you can buy new things. and i'm like no, i have to back. i have unfinished business. i need to say good bye to japan. and then i woke up to the sound of pouring rain and heavy winds pounding against my window.
it doesn't take freud to figure out the meaning of that dream. i'm afraid of leaving japan. worried that i'll have forgotten something here. japan and canada are halfway across the world from each other. it's not an impossible distance, but they are such two worlds apart that they might as well be on separate planets. after this august, i don't have any immediate plans to return to japan. the way i've spent my two years here, trying to do everything i can, experience everything i can, go everywhere i can, it's almost as if i'm planning to never to come back.
i'm excited to go home, because...it's home. but i'm afraid i'll go back and it'll be like these past two years never happened. it'll all feel like a dream, and i'll forget faces and names. i'll forget everything i've learned, and the person i am now. i love who i am. i love who i was. but i'm looking forward to who i will become as well.
i'm not reluctant to leave japan, i'm having an awesome time, but it's time to move on. it's been a haven of sorts. no responsibilities, free time to persue anything i want. and yet i feel suffocated by it sometimes. like nothing here counts in the real world. like a two year vacation. i need to get back on track. whatever that may be.
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