it's not so bad don't feel so sad

Happy Chinese New Years! what a way to start a "new year" than with the usual indecision. SIGH. just when i thought i had made THE decision, i begin to reconsider my choice. maybe...just maaaaaaybe i will stay in Japan another year.

my reasons for staying are just as valid for my reasons to leave. will watson, the AJET president of kagoshima ken told me that if i stayed, i could "run this town" lol...not so sure about that, but honoured that he has so much faith in me. that got me thinking. yeah, maybe i could be something more than an english teacher here in japan. of course i'm not challenging myself the same way i would with CWY, but that's like comparing apples and oranges. challenging nonetheless. i dont want to be the AJET president, but i'm sure i'll work something out.

i dunno i dunno i dunno.

i'll let u guys know what i decide by friday. that's the deadline. i'll have a quiet week to reflect starting tuesday. i'm finally heading to Mishima island to teach. i'm pretty excited. i get to work with kids grade 1 to 3. i miss working with children.

thank u anu for that lovely post. i'm proud of me too ;-P seriously tho, i appreciate what you wrote, because i realize that i've been real shit about keeping in touch with home (aside from this blog). but i want everyone to know that altho i'm living this new life, my old life still matters to me. each of u have left a footprint on my heart. and i will be back one day.

speaking of my "new life" i just came back from lisa's bday party in sendai. all my closest friends came out and i had such an awesome time. i'm really going to miss these people! whether i recontract or not doesnt matter, cuz a lot of them are heading off after this year. its still another 6 months away, but already i'm feeling heart broken at teh thought of saying goodbye.

being in japan has been like a dream. its been surreal, but it feels so insular. the air is dense, and i can't breath sometimes. yet at the same time, i know if i choose to wake up i will never be able to return to that dream. i don't want to leave, and i dont want to be left behind. i just want...to be...

as the world falls down, i'll pick up the pieces

i remembered last night in my sleep i had to teach at my deaf school today. my deaf school days sneak up on me, because i always forget when i'm supposed to go. it's not that i dont look forward to going, quite the opposite. i imagine if i could spend more time at my deaf school, i'd probably stay another year in japan. the kids there are so sweet. and i love eating the school lunches! hot fresh food, that i didn't have to cook!!!

actually, i've gotten quite good at cooking. rave reviews everytime ;-P thinking of cooking a proper chinese new years dinner for my friends. hmm...i wonder where i could get my hand on some dog. DIS! that was below the belt. i'm allowed to make fun of chinese people. playin the minority card.

ppl have been asking if i'm staying, and when i say no they act really surprised. they thought i'd be one of the definates. vanessa says its cuz i always seemed to be able to distance myself from the shit side of japan. and if i was at all disatisfied i'm a very good actor. don't get me wrong. i've had an awesome time here. i feel like i've grown so much as a person, and experienced so many things. but i can also recognize when i've gotten all i can out of a situation.

Leaving Kagoshima city has been a very hard decision to make. even now i have doubts. I’m giving up everything I thought I wanted, because it’s not enough. The money, the comfort, the generous people, the culture, the onsens! I feel suffocated by the rigidity and conformity of japanese society. This isn’t me. I’d love it if it were. I’d have no worries. I could happily live here for 3 years otherwise.

That’s why I’m throwing myself into Canada world youth. Forfeiting everything I have here to live with the very people who would die to take it. But I know I can always return to this lifestyle. It’s a luxury I’m grateful for. I sweat it out for 6 months, and at the end of it I return to my centrally heated house, with 4 cars, and big screen tv. I just don’t want to go through life wondering what if? What would it have been like? I have to do it now while I’m young and still have that vestige of naivety. You know, thinking I can still change the world. That I can make a difference.

I still want to learn Japanese. I will continue to study on my own and maybe I will return in due time. I don’t appreciate anything I have. I know I should. But the difference between knowing and believing is fine and far between. Knowledge is dangerous. To have the veil ripped from my eyes might prove to be too much, but I’m willing to risk it.

I have so many amazing memories. I can’t believe this is my life. I love it. And that’s why I can never go back to what I used to know. I can’t go back to living for someone else and their expectations. I can only do this for me. It took me a long time to realize this, and I’m not about to let that go. So many lives are wasted because they fear the unknown. I don’t want to be one of those lives.

i dont know, but it feels right

a big weight was lifted off my shoulders today. i made a decision. i am...not going to recontract. so that means at the end of this july i will be leaving japan. well...kagoshima at least. this doesn't necessarily mean im gonna go back to canada rite away. many decisions still have to be made. but at least the biggest one is over with.

one of my post-jet options include running off with canada world youth to volunteer in a third world country. i bet it will one of the most difficult things i will do in life. a total 180 from jet. but i think i'm ready for this. living in japan has made me realize many things about myself. that at the end of the day, money doesnt mean that much to me. i mean, it matters to me, but i cant live my life for it. i should leave japan on a high note, and i will always have fantastic memories of my time here. i gave myself a year break and now im ready for a challenge. here's to the final 6 months in kagoshima city. im gonna giver, and never look back.

ikimasutime! let's rocking out!!!

booooooooooourns! my md battery just died on me. and that was the only thing keeping me sane on this dark dreary rainy day with nothing to do at work. at least i have internet access unlike some of my counterparts. two of my classes got cancelled, so i technically only work 2 hours today. man, life is too easy. its no time to be complacent. im gonna needs to set me some goals! none of that nansy pansy new years resolutions stuff, i mean it this time!

hmmm...im noticing myhair has a lot of split ends. tempted to sneak off with a pair of scissors and sort that out. no! focus karen focus! okay, okay. my goals:

1. start contributing articles to local publications. i was supposed to write one last month, but dropped the ball on that. sorry dudes, but even i cant make a trip to a flower garden interesting. that, and i only spent like 5 minutes there before it closed (hee hee...kinda got distracted on my way there).

2. eco challenge, iron-woman, climb mount everest. obviously these are long term fantasy goals. but no harm in dreaming rite? i figure if i start out light, such as taking jogs in the evening instead of remoulding the ass marks on my sofa, i'll do alrite!

3. master a new language. eto, watashi no nihongo wa mama ima desuyo, demo ifu i studyeru moru, i wiru geto betteru. should also start brushing up on my fer-anch. donc, ca sera plus difficule parce qu'il n'y a pas beaucoup des gens qui peuvent parler francais ici, mais j'ai quelque amis que le savent. bien sur, gambatte! as well, mandarin would be pretty handy. dammit, why'd i have to know the useless chinese?

4. eat healthier!!! i went on an instant ramen binge when i got back from thailand just cuz i was so spent. but i resisted buying donuts yesterday in favour of some wholesome yogurt and muesli. and for lunch, no meat! got some rice balls and tofu. its actually tastes better than im making it sound.

5. more goals karen? man im being ambitious!!! which ties in nicely to my final goal. to be more ambitious. i feel like im losing a bit of that fire within me being in japan. life is so ordered and i dont have to worry about anything. im like a spoiled overpaid monkey here only for the amusement of teh japanese. "greet the class" "ask them about the weather" "get the class to repeat this passage after you" "now read this passage in a yiddish accent" goooood karen. im technically the prefectural representative for the JET environmental network, but i havent done shitall since ive been here. well, aside from hosting the BEE bike group. from here on in, thats going to change!!! get my gears all pumped. lets ikimasuYOOOOO!!!! after i fix these split ends that is :-P