my life as i never know it

and it never does seem to get any easier. i'm 25 now, and as confused with what i want as i've ever been. i've matured in a lot of ways since i've been in japan, and grown more comfortable with who i am. at the same point, it's a comfort that grows out of complacency than actual spiritual awakening. but in a month i'll be waking up from this japanese dream, and that's no time at all is it?

last night, i dreamt that i went home to canada. but it was a unexpected trip home, and although i was excited to be back, i realized i had forgotten all my things back in japan. i was anxious and needed to come back to kagoshima for my things. my parents said you don't need them. you can buy new things. and i'm like no, i have to back. i have unfinished business. i need to say good bye to japan. and then i woke up to the sound of pouring rain and heavy winds pounding against my window.

it doesn't take freud to figure out the meaning of that dream. i'm afraid of leaving japan. worried that i'll have forgotten something here. japan and canada are halfway across the world from each other. it's not an impossible distance, but they are such two worlds apart that they might as well be on separate planets. after this august, i don't have any immediate plans to return to japan. the way i've spent my two years here, trying to do everything i can, experience everything i can, go everywhere i can, it's almost as if i'm planning to never to come back.

i'm excited to go home, because...it's home. but i'm afraid i'll go back and it'll be like these past two years never happened. it'll all feel like a dream, and i'll forget faces and names. i'll forget everything i've learned, and the person i am now. i love who i am. i love who i was. but i'm looking forward to who i will become as well.

i'm not reluctant to leave japan, i'm having an awesome time, but it's time to move on. it's been a haven of sorts. no responsibilities, free time to persue anything i want. and yet i feel suffocated by it sometimes. like nothing here counts in the real world. like a two year vacation. i need to get back on track. whatever that may be.