and were back

yosha!

long time no update. doubt anyone is reading this puppy anymore, but vateva man. so ive returned from 3 awesome weeks in sapporo - 3 weeks of beer gardens, encounters with sapporo police, meeting the randomest people on earth (including a former pimptress from LA), and of course a lil of the old japanese studying.

i came back to kagoshima city, and to a different existence. my best buds anna, emma and mich have flown away, and i am again left to my own devices. ive managed to occupy my time with random adventures. i went paragliding in miyazaki, surfing in tanegashima, and am currently trying to decide where i want to go for christmas. maybe cambodia, but im also tempted to go to england and see the girls. so many choices, and not enough. thats the way it always with me aye!

sigh...so much has happened in such a little time. and yet...time seems to have no meaning for me here. i had a weird dream last night. it involved characters who are long gone, and i wonder why i suddenly have them in my thoughts again. i believe dreams have meanings, and i do believe in destiny.

hmmm...

ka-BOOM!!!!!

Kagoshima made national news again! twice in one year...that MUST be a record. first time was because a ship ran into a "whale-like object" and now...(drum roll)

Eruption warning in Kagoshima
KAGOSHIMA (Kyodo) The Meteorological Agency issued a special bulletin Monday warning of the strong likelihood of an eruption at one of the vents on Sakurajima, an active volcano in Kagoshima Prefecture.

The agency's Kagoshima bureau said volcanic activity around the Showa vent was intensifying and warned of the heightened possibility of an eruption similar to that at the Minamidake peak vent, which has been active for several years.

The agency raised the activity to level 3, or "active," from 2, or "relatively moderate," on its scale of 5.

There was a minor eruption at the Showa vent Wednesday, spewing volcanic gas around 1,000 meters high.

"It will probably not be a major explosion like the Taisho eruption (in 1914), but minor eruptions like the current ones could continue," a bureau official said.

The 1914 eruption released enough lava to close the strait between the volcanic island in Kagoshima Bay and a nearby peninsula.

The Showa vent is about 200 meters southeast of the peak on a slope of Minamidake, which has been active since 1955.

quick facts about sakurajima, one of japan's most active volcanos:
- About 7 thousand people live at the foot of the volcano, and Kagoshima city with a population of about half a million is located 10 km west.
- The area within 2 km from the summit is "off-limit zone".
- Maximum range of flight of volcanic bombs: 3 km (volcanic bombs?! sounds sexy)
- Maximum flow length of pyroclastic flows: 1.2 km (pyrocastic flows eh? this is turning into a porno)
- Ashfall: 3 to 30 million ton/year)

dont tuuuuuch me, i can do it! unghhhhhh

today i saw my first crazy person in japan. im sure ive seen others, but not so crazy as this one. i'm waiting at the bus stop this morning, when a high school boy comes along. he's wearing his school track suit, with the pants practically hiked up to his chest. and hes having a loud conversation...with himself! i'm checking his ears to look for a headset cuz maybe hes on his phone. NOPE. i'm checking for some earphones cuz maybe hes singing along to sum songs. NOPE. just bonafide crazy...but a snazzy dresser nonetheless.

anyhoo, my trip to ioujima actually was quite nice. the people were lovely as ever, my students so genki (lively) and the peacocks so skittish (i just wanna be your friend!!!). but five days on a small isolated island was pushing it a bit. i had brought 5 movies with me, and had watched all of them in three days. im a bit jealous of anna, who visited another island. she got to go fishing for flying fish! i wanna do that!!! *pout* im trying to be more "mature" these days. so no more tantrums...except maybe on the dancefloor ;-)

*sigh* how romantic!

so sweet. i want an australian man now ;-)

An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's something there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!!

bad dog

people are never happy with what they have. i live on both sides of the fence. the grass is always green.

in 12 hours, i will board a ferry to iohjima, my third and last visit...presumably. the new JET year will bring many changes, and im not foolish to believe i can predict anything of my future. i have been moving around so much, that i am actually sick of travelling. i just wanna sit still for a little bit. i dont wanna pack my bags. i dont wanna sit on a boat for 4 hours. by the end of my time on iohjima, i will have spent 26 of the past 45 days away from kagoshima city. i always feel im teetering on the edge of something. neither side is good or bad. muzukashi ne?

happppy birthday to meeeeeeeeee

coffeeeee, i need coff-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

yup yup yup. nother day at work, fueled by the miracle that is caffeine! hooha! makes me wonder how i ever survived without it.

so, ive decided to have a birthday dinner pour moi on wednesday. kinda last minute, but you know me! problem is that my friends are scattered all over the prefecture, so it mite be a bit of a tite draw to lure them into the city. got a pretty good response rate so far. around 10 people i think. that makes for a cozy intimate affair. i plan to start the evening with a slide show of my life. followed by an autograph session of some glossy photos of me (which double as party favours). and for my piece de resistance, open mike nite. where people get up and make toasts...to me of course.

on to more awesome news. this weekend im going to okinawa!!! soooo excited about that. even more so than my golden week adventures to HK, Singapore and Malaysia. Only because im going with my bestest buddies in japan. anna emma and michelle! its gonna be so much fun. i'll look back on these memories when they leave in august. sniffle :-(

theres this thing called the kinko bay swim that happens every july. teams of 4 swim across kinko bay in competition for the coveted prize of...wait for it...a black pig!!! kagoshima is famous for its black pig so i reckon thats a super prize. unless u happen to be vegetarian...or muslim...or a pig. i was gonna compete, and had a team all set up. but then i thought realistically. i cant even run 10 minutes consecutively, let alone swim 4.2 km in open water. and plus my team mates are actually very good athletes, so in order to increase their likely hood of winning i resigned my post. instead i get to be the team coach! ive already studied the techniques of the greatest leaders in history like tony robbins and richard simmons, and written down a list of encouraging statements like "swim faster you little shits!!!". that black pig is as good as ours.

dontcha know it ;-)

woaaaaaah nelly!

testing...ahem...testing 1 - 2 - 3. so here it goes. my long awaited update! soooooooooo...what is new in my life. well sir, I passed a relatively interesting weekend. Well…to me it was relatively normal, but you’d be amazed what you’d consider normal after living in japan for awhile.

First off, on Saturday night I ventured into sendai city and went drinking with a few of my girlfriends. That’s normal enough, but then we were approached by a bunch of Japanese guys. Normally, Japanese guys stay well clear of us foreign girls, unless its with the random “this is a pen” statement. Granted, these guys were drunk...anyways, we ended up going to a bar with them where the conversation consisted mainly of naming off of celebrities that the other person would recognize.

Example conversation between me and a dude named Masa -
Me: do you know Koda kumi?
Masa: yes! Do you know Elton john?
Me: yeah, I know him. Umm…ayumi hamasaki?
Masa: The strokes!
Me: Koizumi (prime minister of japan…my attempt at politics)
Masa: Gu-re-to-fu ze-do
Me: Huh?
Masa: Guuuuu-retofu ZED!
Me - What?! Mo ichido (one more time)
(after a couple more attempts, I finally figure out he was talking about Grateful Dead)

Stimulating stuff eh? Masa’s lucky he’s a good looking guy, or else I might have given up with the conversation long before :-P

The next morning, we headed to kushkino to watch the horse races that were taking place at a local beach. We expected majestic racing horses flying across the glittering sands beneath the beating sun. well…we got the glittering sands and beating sun…the majesty of it all was a bit lacking. First off…the horses were more like ponies/midget horses. most of the riders were taller than their own horses. Second…the horses weren’t flying as much as they were trotting/going the wrong direction/ being dragged by their riders across the glittering sands and beating sun. everyone had a good laugh at it though. Especially when a few riders fell off their horses and had to chase them down the beach. Surprisingly, me and my friends were the only visible foreigners at the races, so we drew a lot of attention from the locals…a lot of weird attention. Some old Japanese dude starts CRAWLING across the sand towards us, and plops himself between lisa and anna. And just SITS there not saying anything, unless it was to me whom he insisted was Japanese. Even when I told him many many times that I didn’t understand, he kept going at me in Japanese. Eventually he got bored, and crawled away.

Later that Sunday evening (you mean there’s more? Of course!), we went back into the city for an easter meal that anna was hosting for our closest friends. Stephanie was there with her visiting husband, who happens to be a paratrooper/intelligence officer for the U.S. army. He was talking about the ranger training he went through (62 days of no sleep or eating), his posting in Afghanistan, leaking military secrets, etc…and then I asked the hard hitting question that was on all our minds “so like…do you read tom Clancy?” which was greeted with the requisite groans from everyone else. Walter Cronkite, eat your heart out!

yeeeeesh

erm...hello...dont know what to write really. u know what that means...survey time!

Name Four Bad Habits:
1.over eating. oshhhh...not so good in a land where clothes are made for ppl without hips
2. staying up late for no gosh darn reason.
3. falling asleep everywhere and anytime
4. procrastinating. still need to do my taxes! dammit, why arent i more chinese?

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1. a personal trainer. someone to pull me out of bed, wipe the crud outta my eyes, and get my ass in gear!
2. a personal jet. a environmentally sustainable one of course, fueled by biodiesel and happy thoughts
3. a pair of wings
4. a hammock between two palm trees

Name Four Scents You Love:
1. fresh laundry
2. endangered emu fart
3. sweaty back
4. goat cheese

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
1. a fur coat
2. a jean jacket with jeans
3. timberland stilletto work boots
4. a tube dress.

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. how i am going to be so bored at work tomorrow
2. why guys are such jerks
3. i am so tired
4. i am so freaking tired

g'nite

We must all view life as a great adventure

Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply To the day to day obstacles of life - Facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, Testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, Discovering our own unique potential."
-- John Amatt

it's you.

i just watched a movie called "crash". no, not the david cronenberg flick where ppl get all turned on by car crashes. the one i'm talking about is based around racial tensions in multicultural societies, namely the U.S, specifically L.A. There are several narratives running in parallel, based on people whose lives are inextricably linked, forged by their cultural allegiances and prejudices.

in multicultural, or "melting pot" societies, we like to pretend that it works. that people from all over the world prosper in harmony or at least hegemony in one "united state". this movie dissects that myth, and although it works in overwhelming generalizations, it does make several valid points. you have to see this movie, again and again. it makes an point, which at the same time reverses on itself, and despite being contradictory they're both valid.

case point. graham is a police officer whose brother peter has a predilicton for crime, i.e. stealing cars. apparently in L.A. if you've been caught for stealing cars three times, you're up for a life sentence. and to save his brother, graham compromises his morals, and a criminal investigation (also deep rooted in racial issues which are far too complicated for me to summarize here). Their mother is constantly worried for peter, her baby boy, and begs graham to bring him home. in the end peter is killed. the mother goes into hysterics, and graham pledges to find the killer. the mother turns to her remaining son, and says it's not necessary. she tells him "it's you" that graham killed his brother because he never brought him home like she asked. beyond the responsibilities that graham bares as the older sibling, he also bears teh weight of his race. she tells him that before peter died, he came home and brought groceries. it was all graham. it was always graham that took care of his mother, but in the end it was always peter she spent endless nights crying over.

you think you know how the story is how going to end, but the movie plays on unexpected twists. which is like a parable for the price we pay for exercising predjudice. we make assumptions, and more than often we get it wrong.

racism exists everywhere. the movie seems to say that pretty much everyone is racist, whether they're aware of it or not. even in japan, the land of mono-culture they are racist. and i don't even mean towards foreigners. i met a japanese girl today, and she spent 5 years in ottawa as a TA. well educated and fluent in english. but she can't find a job teaching english in kagoshima. every company she interviews for tells her they want someone "caucasian". i was aware of this kind of discrimination, but i'm spared from the brunt of it due to this cushy little bubble called JET. but i know that even me, as a full out Canadian would have trouble landing a private english teaching job. i just don't have the golden haired, blue eyed "exoticness" that is so admired by the japanese. i don't want to sound embittered over this, more rather...realistic. i know racism is real where ever you go. i know its part of the human condition, and we'll always make assumptions based on stereotypes. because isn't that what gives man domain over every single living creature on this earth? our "intelligence" is based on awareness and ability to discern fundamental differences. i think therefore you are

this is just an observation, the future's in my hands

it's a beautiful morning. the sun is shining and everything feels at peace. i'm going down to ibusuki today to sample their famous hot sand baths for the first time. tanoshii mi! (i'm excited).

on days like today, i feel i could stay in japan forever. but that restless wanderlust is once again stirring in me. to move beyond the weekend trips around kyuushu, and to be free from the everyday mundane. i know i should be patient, and bide my time, but i'm as impulsive as ever it seems.

one could literally make a career off of teaching english. with the proper certification and experience, i could teach literally anywhere in the world. third world, second world and even first. english teaching jobs are everywhere! my life, my views, everything about me is so dualistic. i want to stay i want to go. i want peace i want chaos. i want to be surrounded by people i want solitude. i live in extremes, and though not entirely healthy, it's the only way i know how to exist.

and when i think of home, i don't even see myself settling back in the toronto area. it's where i was raised, it's what i know and it is a comfort to me. but it doesn't inspire me. given the chance i would move to montreal, vancouver, victoria, even calgary! i've been all across the major cities, and not so major cities (cough*tweed*cough) of canada. i feel i've got a pretty good cross section of canada, apart from the arctic regions. don't get me wrong, i love all my friends in the GTA, but i've been away so long, and moved about so much, you're all used to me not being there. in fact, i can't remember the last time i talked to anyone back home...in fact i wonder how many of you even read this blog?

i talk like this now, but i'm known for my impromptu mood changes. maybe i'll return to toronto and fall in love with it for the first time, and never want to leave again. or maybe i'll move to france and become a pastry chef. or maybe i'll just marry a japanese boy and we'll start a karaoke bar together. oh, the possibilities! either way, i have a feeling that in august, my life will take on a totally new meaning, regardless of whether i stay or not.

it's not easy being yellow

i am seriously contemplating leaving japan come august, and heading over to hong kong to teach. i'm having a great time in japan, and learning so much about their culture. but at the same time...what about my own? i feel so detached from my chinese heritage, and this is a perfect chance for me to immerse myself in it. there are so many teaching jobs in china and hong kong.

thinking practically, i don't want to spend too much time out here. in two years, i'm sure my japanese would be good enough for conversation, but i would definitely not be fluent. and when would i use it again? it's more important for me to become fluent in cantonese, or at least reach a conversational level. so maybe i can actually have a decent conversation with my parents...

being out here, away from my family, it has been extremely difficult for me to keep in touch. i avoid the phone, and write the occasional letter. i know my parents worry about me, and want me to keep in touch...but it's beyond what i'm capable of right now. i'm feeling distant from everything back home. it's like a book i might have read once, but fades further into fiction everyday. the book still sits on the shelf, waiting for the day new chapters will be added.

being 20 something

here's a popular email forward i got awhile ago. it rings more true now than ever before.

----------------
they call it the "quarter-life crisis". it's when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. you start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. you start realizing that people are selfish and that maybe, those friends that you thought were so close aren't exactly the greatest people you've ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

what you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are just as confused as you. you look at your job, and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

your opinions have gotten stronger. you see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. one minute you are insecure, and then the next secure.

you laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. you feel alone and scared and ocnfused. suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling onto the past with dear life, but soon realize the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. you get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet someone decent enough that you want to get to know better. or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

one night stands and random hookups start to look cheap. getting wasted and acting like an idiot doesn't seem as fun. you go thorugh the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with you friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. you worry about loans, money, the future, and making a life for yourself. and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

what you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. we are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

couldn't have said it better

do you love me because i'm beautiful, or am i beautiful because you love me?
--oscar hammerstein II

the pain passes, but the beauty remains
--pierre auguste renoir

the world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing
--albert einstein

think of giving not as a duty, but as a privilege
--john d. rockefeller jr.

give to me forever

cuz i'm kissing you

mo gakko

i forgot to write about my visit to kagoshima blind school earlier this week. I spent two days working with blind students, and i had an amazing time. Im beginning to think i should change careers and work with special need students. it's so much more gratifying! cuz they're so eager to learn, and in the words of my JTE "pure hearted"

ja. really knackered now. can barely keep eyes open. next time ne?

wastashi wa?

tsukareta desuyo! so tired. got in from two hours of karate. i don't think i can kick anything ever again. just want to go to sleeeeep...and its only 9:30 pm. lol...man, i'm getting old! look what japan is doing to me! it's making me an ADULT!!! gasp! well, an adult who gets to go snowboarding in hiroshima this weekend. SCORE!

eto...my japanese is undoubtedly improving. i get the jist of what people say to me most of the time. and sometimes i even give an appropriate response! right now i'm watching japanese tv. but it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. and you know what? i'm okay with that. i'm okay in my oblivious little bubble. cuz sooner or later, i know its gonna burst so might as well enjoy the peace while i can.

today, nishihashi sensei gave us our contract confirmations. its in my hands, it's legally binding proof that says i will stay in japan another year. and yet i don't believe it. the reality hasn't hit me. i tell people i'm staying another year, and at the same time i dont feel like its true. why am i so afraid to commit?

i can't leave the house i built

i'm up early on a sunday morning. me??? woahhhhhh. i'm so disconcerted i just had to write an entry about it. is something keeping me up at night? maaaaaybe. oh, i just realized how dirty that sounded. i meant my thoughts are keeping me up. they're all packed in there fighting for room in my consciousness.

another thing to add to my plate is update magazine. its a local english publication thats marketed toward resident foreigners living in kagoshima. its basically a small spread with event announcements and feature articles. its quite popular with JETs b/c most of us get our information from this magazine. anyways, i thought i'd keep my journalism portfolio somewhat up to date by volunteering for update and i met with the editor last thursday. apparently update magazine is under some tight funding and might shut down in april. this is because Yuki (the editor) is quitting in april, and unless they find someone else to take over for the (very) small renumeration, update will have to shut down. i was very shocked and sincerely disapppointed b/c update really is a valuable resource to us gaijin. so i told her i would round up some volunteer writers and see where it goes from there. i wish it were as easy as that. the point of update magazine is to inform foreigners of local events, but in that regard should be headed by a japanese person. to promote internationalization between japan and the world, it doesn't make much sense for gaijin to be writing to gaijin. ne?

home sweet home

i still haven't had a face to face meeting with nishihashi sensei, but i've decided not to make an issue of the PA business. if i get it, great. if i dont, it's okay. i'm gonna stay in japan regardless, because after 7 months i hit an epiphany this morning. kagoshima city is...my home. i don't know when it happened, it just snuck up on me. i feel comfortable here. my wanderlust has subsided. im not even that excited about going anywhere for golden week in may. okinawa, phillipines, malasia, china - all options, but i'm indifferent as to where i go. but better decide soon before flight tickets go up!

i started karate today. there are different schools of karate, and the one i signed up to is quite different from what im used to in canada. when they spar, they actually hit their opponent. full on punches, kicks, etc. but beginners get protective gear: gloves, shin guards, knee pads. man...i am crazy.

office politics. get me my guitar

i'm feeling disconcerted right now. filled with anxiety, and the cause of that stress is ... from lack of stress. i told nishihashi sensei, my direct supervisor and person in charge of all the JETS in kagoshima ken, that i was interested in being PA this fall. the prefectural advisor is supposed to advise first year JETS as well as organize the mid year seminar in which over 200 JET's and their JTE's attend. It's a lot of responsibility, overwhelmingly so, but i dont doubt my ability to handle it. she hinted that i had a good chance of getting it, but if theres anything i learned about being japanese, is that yes means yes, no means no, and maybe means no. and because that wasn't a definite yes, anything could happen. problem is they don't appoint a PA until july. so thats a long time to wait, when i could be prepping myself for something else. Chay, the ecosig coordinator just asked if i wanted to lead the sig next year. i'd be willing, but given a choice between ecosig and PA, i'd want to be PA.

i cant sit on my ass for another year. that was the condition i gave myself if i were to stay in japan. i chose to stay, i signed the contract and handed it in. but i'm not beyond breaking that contract. it's only been 4 days since the deadline, its not as if it affects their hiring process any to change my mind now. i phoned nishihashi sensei today, and basically told her me staying relies on this PA job. i'm making it sound like i gave her an ultimatum, but by no means did i relay it to her like that. despite popular belief, i am capable of tact. she says she'll phone me tomorrow to arrange a face to face meeting. i'm meeting the current PA dave on thursday for a coffee and a chat. hopefully he'll give me some advice to clear this muddle in my head. and he's also taking me guitar shopping! yay, finally doing what i always wanted to do. gonna play me some gee-tar!

the earth was shakin, my heart was quakin...

earthquake just happened. this makes it my third one. sawweet.

lost in time - my iohjima dream

My visit to Iohjima island was the tipping point in me staying another year. After being surrounded by such beauty and kindness, i was reminded of all the wonderful things that i had experienced in Japan, and have yet to experience.

January 31.
My ferry docks on Iohjima port, and standing on the deck i quickly spot the staff and students of Mashima School. it's not very difficult. They were all playing jimbe drums and dancing. lol...that was very cool of them. i can honestly say i've never had such a fanfare welcome.

Everyone is so friendly and eager to say hello! So carefree and open. And the students are adorable! "My name is Eri!! Sayonara!" I know if this were my placement instead of the city, the novelty would wear thin. I’d be bored a lot of the time, but for the moment I believe I could live here forever. My own personal Eden. I walked the school grounds and I was struck with awe at the billowing volcano floating overtop - Mount Iohjima Dake. A mere shadow compared to mount sakurajima back in Kagoshima City, but its proximity provided an intimacy that sakurajima can’t come close to. So captivated by the volcano I failed to notice right away the peacock meandering around the grounds. A peacock! Surreal! It ran away when it saw me approach and I chased it into a forested area. I quickly lost sight of it, but within minutes of exploring I found a moss covered path with rose petals strewn over it. It lead me into a small clearing where I found several more peacocks. Did you know peacocks can fly? I do now. Well, they only fly short distances, but it’s an amazing sight watching them soar thru the air with their billowing plumage behind them. Sunshine filtering thru the canopy, fluffy white clouds floating by, a traditional shrine, moss, rocks and brilliantly hued petals. I’ve never felt at more peace or been surrounded by such honest beauty.

My JTE (japanese teacher of english) is Imahori sensei. His English is very good. His wife and children are in Kagoshima city. He loves it here, so much so that he is willing to be apart from his family. He tells me he sees them only every two months. It’s so refreshing to meet teachers who are actually happy to be teachers. I met the rest of the staff and parents of students at an enkai they were having for the new superintendent. The atmosphere was also very different from the Higashi enkai. You had a real feeling of camaraderie and high spirits. This is the Japan I wanted.

it all comes to this

D-day has arrived. It’s a cloudy day outside and inside.

I don’t feel japan is through with me. but am I through with it? So much mystery and nuance I just can’t quite grasp. It’s a beautiful place. There are many beautiful places.

If I go, I can never look back with regret.

Stay or go. It literally doesn’t matter. There is no sense of fate guiding this decision. Like it will take me to the same place regardless. And it will wont it? We will all end up at the same destination point.

So…I will stay. I will stay for another year. I’m going to stay. I’m going to stay. I’m staying in japan. And my heart is commited. Hold me in the solidity of the full knowing this is my life. Here I am. I am going to stay!!! I’m staying...

it's not so bad don't feel so sad

Happy Chinese New Years! what a way to start a "new year" than with the usual indecision. SIGH. just when i thought i had made THE decision, i begin to reconsider my choice. maybe...just maaaaaaybe i will stay in Japan another year.

my reasons for staying are just as valid for my reasons to leave. will watson, the AJET president of kagoshima ken told me that if i stayed, i could "run this town" lol...not so sure about that, but honoured that he has so much faith in me. that got me thinking. yeah, maybe i could be something more than an english teacher here in japan. of course i'm not challenging myself the same way i would with CWY, but that's like comparing apples and oranges. challenging nonetheless. i dont want to be the AJET president, but i'm sure i'll work something out.

i dunno i dunno i dunno.

i'll let u guys know what i decide by friday. that's the deadline. i'll have a quiet week to reflect starting tuesday. i'm finally heading to Mishima island to teach. i'm pretty excited. i get to work with kids grade 1 to 3. i miss working with children.

thank u anu for that lovely post. i'm proud of me too ;-P seriously tho, i appreciate what you wrote, because i realize that i've been real shit about keeping in touch with home (aside from this blog). but i want everyone to know that altho i'm living this new life, my old life still matters to me. each of u have left a footprint on my heart. and i will be back one day.

speaking of my "new life" i just came back from lisa's bday party in sendai. all my closest friends came out and i had such an awesome time. i'm really going to miss these people! whether i recontract or not doesnt matter, cuz a lot of them are heading off after this year. its still another 6 months away, but already i'm feeling heart broken at teh thought of saying goodbye.

being in japan has been like a dream. its been surreal, but it feels so insular. the air is dense, and i can't breath sometimes. yet at the same time, i know if i choose to wake up i will never be able to return to that dream. i don't want to leave, and i dont want to be left behind. i just want...to be...

as the world falls down, i'll pick up the pieces

i remembered last night in my sleep i had to teach at my deaf school today. my deaf school days sneak up on me, because i always forget when i'm supposed to go. it's not that i dont look forward to going, quite the opposite. i imagine if i could spend more time at my deaf school, i'd probably stay another year in japan. the kids there are so sweet. and i love eating the school lunches! hot fresh food, that i didn't have to cook!!!

actually, i've gotten quite good at cooking. rave reviews everytime ;-P thinking of cooking a proper chinese new years dinner for my friends. hmm...i wonder where i could get my hand on some dog. DIS! that was below the belt. i'm allowed to make fun of chinese people. playin the minority card.

ppl have been asking if i'm staying, and when i say no they act really surprised. they thought i'd be one of the definates. vanessa says its cuz i always seemed to be able to distance myself from the shit side of japan. and if i was at all disatisfied i'm a very good actor. don't get me wrong. i've had an awesome time here. i feel like i've grown so much as a person, and experienced so many things. but i can also recognize when i've gotten all i can out of a situation.

Leaving Kagoshima city has been a very hard decision to make. even now i have doubts. I’m giving up everything I thought I wanted, because it’s not enough. The money, the comfort, the generous people, the culture, the onsens! I feel suffocated by the rigidity and conformity of japanese society. This isn’t me. I’d love it if it were. I’d have no worries. I could happily live here for 3 years otherwise.

That’s why I’m throwing myself into Canada world youth. Forfeiting everything I have here to live with the very people who would die to take it. But I know I can always return to this lifestyle. It’s a luxury I’m grateful for. I sweat it out for 6 months, and at the end of it I return to my centrally heated house, with 4 cars, and big screen tv. I just don’t want to go through life wondering what if? What would it have been like? I have to do it now while I’m young and still have that vestige of naivety. You know, thinking I can still change the world. That I can make a difference.

I still want to learn Japanese. I will continue to study on my own and maybe I will return in due time. I don’t appreciate anything I have. I know I should. But the difference between knowing and believing is fine and far between. Knowledge is dangerous. To have the veil ripped from my eyes might prove to be too much, but I’m willing to risk it.

I have so many amazing memories. I can’t believe this is my life. I love it. And that’s why I can never go back to what I used to know. I can’t go back to living for someone else and their expectations. I can only do this for me. It took me a long time to realize this, and I’m not about to let that go. So many lives are wasted because they fear the unknown. I don’t want to be one of those lives.

i dont know, but it feels right

a big weight was lifted off my shoulders today. i made a decision. i am...not going to recontract. so that means at the end of this july i will be leaving japan. well...kagoshima at least. this doesn't necessarily mean im gonna go back to canada rite away. many decisions still have to be made. but at least the biggest one is over with.

one of my post-jet options include running off with canada world youth to volunteer in a third world country. i bet it will one of the most difficult things i will do in life. a total 180 from jet. but i think i'm ready for this. living in japan has made me realize many things about myself. that at the end of the day, money doesnt mean that much to me. i mean, it matters to me, but i cant live my life for it. i should leave japan on a high note, and i will always have fantastic memories of my time here. i gave myself a year break and now im ready for a challenge. here's to the final 6 months in kagoshima city. im gonna giver, and never look back.

ikimasutime! let's rocking out!!!

booooooooooourns! my md battery just died on me. and that was the only thing keeping me sane on this dark dreary rainy day with nothing to do at work. at least i have internet access unlike some of my counterparts. two of my classes got cancelled, so i technically only work 2 hours today. man, life is too easy. its no time to be complacent. im gonna needs to set me some goals! none of that nansy pansy new years resolutions stuff, i mean it this time!

hmmm...im noticing myhair has a lot of split ends. tempted to sneak off with a pair of scissors and sort that out. no! focus karen focus! okay, okay. my goals:

1. start contributing articles to local publications. i was supposed to write one last month, but dropped the ball on that. sorry dudes, but even i cant make a trip to a flower garden interesting. that, and i only spent like 5 minutes there before it closed (hee hee...kinda got distracted on my way there).

2. eco challenge, iron-woman, climb mount everest. obviously these are long term fantasy goals. but no harm in dreaming rite? i figure if i start out light, such as taking jogs in the evening instead of remoulding the ass marks on my sofa, i'll do alrite!

3. master a new language. eto, watashi no nihongo wa mama ima desuyo, demo ifu i studyeru moru, i wiru geto betteru. should also start brushing up on my fer-anch. donc, ca sera plus difficule parce qu'il n'y a pas beaucoup des gens qui peuvent parler francais ici, mais j'ai quelque amis que le savent. bien sur, gambatte! as well, mandarin would be pretty handy. dammit, why'd i have to know the useless chinese?

4. eat healthier!!! i went on an instant ramen binge when i got back from thailand just cuz i was so spent. but i resisted buying donuts yesterday in favour of some wholesome yogurt and muesli. and for lunch, no meat! got some rice balls and tofu. its actually tastes better than im making it sound.

5. more goals karen? man im being ambitious!!! which ties in nicely to my final goal. to be more ambitious. i feel like im losing a bit of that fire within me being in japan. life is so ordered and i dont have to worry about anything. im like a spoiled overpaid monkey here only for the amusement of teh japanese. "greet the class" "ask them about the weather" "get the class to repeat this passage after you" "now read this passage in a yiddish accent" goooood karen. im technically the prefectural representative for the JET environmental network, but i havent done shitall since ive been here. well, aside from hosting the BEE bike group. from here on in, thats going to change!!! get my gears all pumped. lets ikimasuYOOOOO!!!! after i fix these split ends that is :-P