give to me forever

cuz i'm kissing you

mo gakko

i forgot to write about my visit to kagoshima blind school earlier this week. I spent two days working with blind students, and i had an amazing time. Im beginning to think i should change careers and work with special need students. it's so much more gratifying! cuz they're so eager to learn, and in the words of my JTE "pure hearted"

ja. really knackered now. can barely keep eyes open. next time ne?

wastashi wa?

tsukareta desuyo! so tired. got in from two hours of karate. i don't think i can kick anything ever again. just want to go to sleeeeep...and its only 9:30 pm. lol...man, i'm getting old! look what japan is doing to me! it's making me an ADULT!!! gasp! well, an adult who gets to go snowboarding in hiroshima this weekend. SCORE!

eto...my japanese is undoubtedly improving. i get the jist of what people say to me most of the time. and sometimes i even give an appropriate response! right now i'm watching japanese tv. but it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. and you know what? i'm okay with that. i'm okay in my oblivious little bubble. cuz sooner or later, i know its gonna burst so might as well enjoy the peace while i can.

today, nishihashi sensei gave us our contract confirmations. its in my hands, it's legally binding proof that says i will stay in japan another year. and yet i don't believe it. the reality hasn't hit me. i tell people i'm staying another year, and at the same time i dont feel like its true. why am i so afraid to commit?

i can't leave the house i built

i'm up early on a sunday morning. me??? woahhhhhh. i'm so disconcerted i just had to write an entry about it. is something keeping me up at night? maaaaaybe. oh, i just realized how dirty that sounded. i meant my thoughts are keeping me up. they're all packed in there fighting for room in my consciousness.

another thing to add to my plate is update magazine. its a local english publication thats marketed toward resident foreigners living in kagoshima. its basically a small spread with event announcements and feature articles. its quite popular with JETs b/c most of us get our information from this magazine. anyways, i thought i'd keep my journalism portfolio somewhat up to date by volunteering for update and i met with the editor last thursday. apparently update magazine is under some tight funding and might shut down in april. this is because Yuki (the editor) is quitting in april, and unless they find someone else to take over for the (very) small renumeration, update will have to shut down. i was very shocked and sincerely disapppointed b/c update really is a valuable resource to us gaijin. so i told her i would round up some volunteer writers and see where it goes from there. i wish it were as easy as that. the point of update magazine is to inform foreigners of local events, but in that regard should be headed by a japanese person. to promote internationalization between japan and the world, it doesn't make much sense for gaijin to be writing to gaijin. ne?

home sweet home

i still haven't had a face to face meeting with nishihashi sensei, but i've decided not to make an issue of the PA business. if i get it, great. if i dont, it's okay. i'm gonna stay in japan regardless, because after 7 months i hit an epiphany this morning. kagoshima city is...my home. i don't know when it happened, it just snuck up on me. i feel comfortable here. my wanderlust has subsided. im not even that excited about going anywhere for golden week in may. okinawa, phillipines, malasia, china - all options, but i'm indifferent as to where i go. but better decide soon before flight tickets go up!

i started karate today. there are different schools of karate, and the one i signed up to is quite different from what im used to in canada. when they spar, they actually hit their opponent. full on punches, kicks, etc. but beginners get protective gear: gloves, shin guards, knee pads. man...i am crazy.

office politics. get me my guitar

i'm feeling disconcerted right now. filled with anxiety, and the cause of that stress is ... from lack of stress. i told nishihashi sensei, my direct supervisor and person in charge of all the JETS in kagoshima ken, that i was interested in being PA this fall. the prefectural advisor is supposed to advise first year JETS as well as organize the mid year seminar in which over 200 JET's and their JTE's attend. It's a lot of responsibility, overwhelmingly so, but i dont doubt my ability to handle it. she hinted that i had a good chance of getting it, but if theres anything i learned about being japanese, is that yes means yes, no means no, and maybe means no. and because that wasn't a definite yes, anything could happen. problem is they don't appoint a PA until july. so thats a long time to wait, when i could be prepping myself for something else. Chay, the ecosig coordinator just asked if i wanted to lead the sig next year. i'd be willing, but given a choice between ecosig and PA, i'd want to be PA.

i cant sit on my ass for another year. that was the condition i gave myself if i were to stay in japan. i chose to stay, i signed the contract and handed it in. but i'm not beyond breaking that contract. it's only been 4 days since the deadline, its not as if it affects their hiring process any to change my mind now. i phoned nishihashi sensei today, and basically told her me staying relies on this PA job. i'm making it sound like i gave her an ultimatum, but by no means did i relay it to her like that. despite popular belief, i am capable of tact. she says she'll phone me tomorrow to arrange a face to face meeting. i'm meeting the current PA dave on thursday for a coffee and a chat. hopefully he'll give me some advice to clear this muddle in my head. and he's also taking me guitar shopping! yay, finally doing what i always wanted to do. gonna play me some gee-tar!

the earth was shakin, my heart was quakin...

earthquake just happened. this makes it my third one. sawweet.

lost in time - my iohjima dream

My visit to Iohjima island was the tipping point in me staying another year. After being surrounded by such beauty and kindness, i was reminded of all the wonderful things that i had experienced in Japan, and have yet to experience.

January 31.
My ferry docks on Iohjima port, and standing on the deck i quickly spot the staff and students of Mashima School. it's not very difficult. They were all playing jimbe drums and dancing. lol...that was very cool of them. i can honestly say i've never had such a fanfare welcome.

Everyone is so friendly and eager to say hello! So carefree and open. And the students are adorable! "My name is Eri!! Sayonara!" I know if this were my placement instead of the city, the novelty would wear thin. I’d be bored a lot of the time, but for the moment I believe I could live here forever. My own personal Eden. I walked the school grounds and I was struck with awe at the billowing volcano floating overtop - Mount Iohjima Dake. A mere shadow compared to mount sakurajima back in Kagoshima City, but its proximity provided an intimacy that sakurajima can’t come close to. So captivated by the volcano I failed to notice right away the peacock meandering around the grounds. A peacock! Surreal! It ran away when it saw me approach and I chased it into a forested area. I quickly lost sight of it, but within minutes of exploring I found a moss covered path with rose petals strewn over it. It lead me into a small clearing where I found several more peacocks. Did you know peacocks can fly? I do now. Well, they only fly short distances, but it’s an amazing sight watching them soar thru the air with their billowing plumage behind them. Sunshine filtering thru the canopy, fluffy white clouds floating by, a traditional shrine, moss, rocks and brilliantly hued petals. I’ve never felt at more peace or been surrounded by such honest beauty.

My JTE (japanese teacher of english) is Imahori sensei. His English is very good. His wife and children are in Kagoshima city. He loves it here, so much so that he is willing to be apart from his family. He tells me he sees them only every two months. It’s so refreshing to meet teachers who are actually happy to be teachers. I met the rest of the staff and parents of students at an enkai they were having for the new superintendent. The atmosphere was also very different from the Higashi enkai. You had a real feeling of camaraderie and high spirits. This is the Japan I wanted.

it all comes to this

D-day has arrived. It’s a cloudy day outside and inside.

I don’t feel japan is through with me. but am I through with it? So much mystery and nuance I just can’t quite grasp. It’s a beautiful place. There are many beautiful places.

If I go, I can never look back with regret.

Stay or go. It literally doesn’t matter. There is no sense of fate guiding this decision. Like it will take me to the same place regardless. And it will wont it? We will all end up at the same destination point.

So…I will stay. I will stay for another year. I’m going to stay. I’m going to stay. I’m staying in japan. And my heart is commited. Hold me in the solidity of the full knowing this is my life. Here I am. I am going to stay!!! I’m staying...