i remembered last night in my sleep i had to teach at my deaf school today. my deaf school days sneak up on me, because i always forget when i'm supposed to go. it's not that i dont look forward to going, quite the opposite. i imagine if i could spend more time at my deaf school, i'd probably stay another year in japan. the kids there are so sweet. and i love eating the school lunches! hot fresh food, that i didn't have to cook!!!
actually, i've gotten quite good at cooking. rave reviews everytime ;-P thinking of cooking a proper chinese new years dinner for my friends. hmm...i wonder where i could get my hand on some dog. DIS! that was below the belt. i'm allowed to make fun of chinese people. playin the minority card.
ppl have been asking if i'm staying, and when i say no they act really surprised. they thought i'd be one of the definates. vanessa says its cuz i always seemed to be able to distance myself from the shit side of japan. and if i was at all disatisfied i'm a very good actor. don't get me wrong. i've had an awesome time here. i feel like i've grown so much as a person, and experienced so many things. but i can also recognize when i've gotten all i can out of a situation.
Leaving Kagoshima city has been a very hard decision to make. even now i have doubts. I’m giving up everything I thought I wanted, because it’s not enough. The money, the comfort, the generous people, the culture, the onsens! I feel suffocated by the rigidity and conformity of japanese society. This isn’t me. I’d love it if it were. I’d have no worries. I could happily live here for 3 years otherwise.
That’s why I’m throwing myself into Canada world youth. Forfeiting everything I have here to live with the very people who would die to take it. But I know I can always return to this lifestyle. It’s a luxury I’m grateful for. I sweat it out for 6 months, and at the end of it I return to my centrally heated house, with 4 cars, and big screen tv. I just don’t want to go through life wondering what if? What would it have been like? I have to do it now while I’m young and still have that vestige of naivety. You know, thinking I can still change the world. That I can make a difference.
I still want to learn Japanese. I will continue to study on my own and maybe I will return in due time. I don’t appreciate anything I have. I know I should. But the difference between knowing and believing is fine and far between. Knowledge is dangerous. To have the veil ripped from my eyes might prove to be too much, but I’m willing to risk it.
I have so many amazing memories. I can’t believe this is my life. I love it. And that’s why I can never go back to what I used to know. I can’t go back to living for someone else and their expectations. I can only do this for me. It took me a long time to realize this, and I’m not about to let that go. So many lives are wasted because they fear the unknown. I don’t want to be one of those lives.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
wowsers...you have finally made your decision, eh?
I don't know you enough to say this in a way that doesn't sound super cheesy, but...(here goes anyway): I'm proud of you!
You are this super amazing spunky person and I think making the decision to not recontract and possibly do Canada World Youth is astounding. Of course, since I have never gone anywhere alone, I am easily impressed, but regardless, I am in awe of your ability to actually get your sh*t together and get stuff done!!!
To see how being in Japan has made a difference in your life, your identity, etc. is very cool. But maybe there's a teeny weeny bit of me that wishes you'd come back to canada (good ol' 'sauga..you miss it don't ya...admit it!!!), so people could be around you and re-connect with you!
Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it'll be a good decision...! good luck with everything!!!
anu v.
Post a Comment