hmmmmm

i just got a ticket. i ran a red light. and there was a cop. dammit. i am so pissed. pissed that i didn't think of a better excuse, and pissed that i am not street smart whatsoever! i'm gonna fight the ticket, but dammit, i am pissed.

*sigh* it's a stupid thing to get angry over. it's so frustrating, but you know, my life does not suck. i mean, i don't have a job, and all the job offers i've gotten are too far away, and my life is pretty much at a stand still till i get a job. but still, i should be thankful for everything i do have. important thing is to not let this get me down. i'll fight it and that's the best i can do. if this lesson has taught me anything, is the system can be bought. there is no such thing as fairness and equity. it's all about who you know, and what you can do for each other. that's something they don't teach you in school.

that's what i hate about living at home. you get caught up in the old rat race. and it's almost why do i make myself suffer so much for things i don't even need. why do i let other people control my future. i don't know what it really means to want something. and i don't know what i really means to fight for something. all i see is what's right in front of me.

and what i realize, it's not even the money or the demerit points that's bothering me. it's the feeling of powerlessness. i don't like it. i'm waiting for things to come to me, and i know nothing will happen unless i make it happen. i'm not made for this world. it's time i found my own answers.