it breaks my heart

usually so cavalier. normally so hardened. what's becoming of me? what's this i'm feeling? i feel my heart bleeding over everything and nothing. Maybe it’s that time of the month, i've never been very good at keeping track. hormones are over ruling my sensibilities.

i basically spent last week in a snot clogged haze, to the point where i had to call in sick on friday morning. i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, willing myself to get up. it didn't help that it was a soul darkening grey day, with heavy rain perforating the cement city below. i thought “bugger it”, i can't do it. I absolutely cannot do this today.

We're just a million little god's causin rain storms turnin' every good thing to rust. I guess we'll just have to adjust.

It rained all day on Friday, but there was a tall ship festival at the bay. I am absolutely enamoured with tall ships. It’s the fairy tale romance of it, the aesthetic beauty of it, the idea of living life on the ocean miles away from normality. So I trudged valiantly to the kagoshima port, pelted upon by rain, barely protected by my umbrella. Foolish thing to do really in my state of health, all for a silly boat. But there it was, floating majestically among the choppy waves. And I stood there gazing upon it all alone, thoroughly soaked. most people have better sense than me I suppose.

I figure my cold was a symptom of the hectic pace I had been pushing my body through (and my affinity for water). To remedy this, I planned on going to Kanoya for a weekend retreat. But due to the stormy weather, I was having second thoughts. If I could pick a theme for my life right now, it would have to be indecision.

So Saturday morning rolls around, and I’m in the familiar position of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m lying in bed debating whether or not I want to trek to kanoya for a hike in the woods and such. I’m quickly running out of time. It’s 7:25 am. I have to be at the ferry port at 7:50. fuck it! Let’s do this!!! I jump out of bed, pull on some pants, throw together a bag and start racing down the street looking for a taxi. The taxi driver is a sweetheart, and he seems more anxious whether I’ll make my boat more than me. He’s constantly checking his watch, and when we pull up to the port he wishes me luck. I JUST catch the ferry, talk about a ‘sliding doors’ moment. I sit outside on the deck, the chill breeze whipping around me, and I wonder if I made the right choice in going. Doubts were instantly calmed when I step into the terminal and see the brilliant smiling face of mista Christopher sherrif awaiting my arrival. He and Vanessa gave me so much reassurance over the weekend. They fed me breakfast and lunch cuz I had forgone all that in my last minute decision to go.

The “hike” was amazing and def not what I expected. I should’ve read the itinerary better, because this was no mere walk in the forest. oh no, this was a full fledged hike in a RIVER…upstream! We were up to our waists in water, fighting the current and climbing over waterfalls. Again, I was going against all rationality, and forgoing my health, but I did all this with gusto. Soaked, freezing, and never feeling more alive. It was like a scene out of lord of the rings. The serene setting, warmed by the sunlight filtering through the canopy, and drinking the purest of water that flowed off the mossy cliffs.

To complete my dream like weekend, I went over to my neighbor rich’s for a dinner party last night. It was weird –surreal- to be surrounded by such…warmth and intimacy. Rich’s friends are lovely. I met a guy named Christian, from the Philippines, who has invited me to join his ikedo club (a form of self defense). And another guy ash, from texas, who’s helping me find a dojo to study karate. Which is great, cuz I’ve already gotten rather bored of kendo. I’ve decided it’s not for me. I’ve yet to tell the kendo club yet tho. Errghh, not looking forward to that. The decision was hard to make, but in retrospect the obvious conclusion.