the motion keeps my heart running

it's hard for me to believe sometimes that this is my life. i drift, and at times free fall, in this surreal existence. i look outside my window, and see a live volcano spanning the distance. i leave my apartment building and lose myself in the crowd of people who look just like me, but are literally a world apart. the home i left behind still exists without me, but the memories fade more and more everyday.

i have to go
it breaks my heart to say
that i can't stop now
i got troubles of my own
cuz i'm short on time
i'm lonely and i'm too tired to talk to no one back home
i've got troubles of my own
and i can't slow down for no one in town
and i can't stop now

lol...those are lyrics by keane, and don't exactly describe what i'm feeling. but i thought it was quite coincidental that this song was playing just as i was writing this entry.

sometimes i wonder how i appear to other people. people think i'm a certain way, and it's not a conscious decision for me to give off that vibe. interestingly enough, being here in japan gives me the perfect chance to reinvent myself into anyone i want. but i feel this is the most honest i've ever been with myself and with others. i can be as cheeky as i want, as irrelavant, and not have a single care in the world. this is me at my core. and i've never been at more peace with who i am. i've received emails from a few of you noting how relaxed i seem in my updates. i don't remember how anxious i was before, but yeah, i feel i can finally breathe. any problems i might have are purely self inflicted. and it's made me realize how many of my past disappointments were also self-prophesized. happiness is only in the mind. i've been through so many dark times, and fought so many demons to arrive at this point. my closet isn't cleared yet, but the door is open.