the roof is on fire

11:47pm Thursday, Oct 25

okay. so things have calmed down. things arent ideal, and realistically speaking, probably never will be. but at least weve backed off from the cliff, and no ones jumped off yet. though i stress the yet. theres always some kinda drama in the group. and i can only say that its not easy being a CWY project supervisor. its a never ending deluge of problems for ben and cash.

dont get me wrong. there are a lot of people who get along. and we do have fun together. but the shit that goes down...dudes. honestly, its absolutely ridiculous. its exasperating. its like pure oxygen beside an open flame. things are bound to explode. and have.

but i want to take this time to share the brighter side of things. cuz its not all crazy. its not all bad. its not all fighting. despite our differences, between canadians and chinese, within the canadians, and within the chinese, we have our moments of understanding. that despite growing up in completely different worlds, theres still this intrinsic part of human nature that we can relate and connect to. and its hard. because the differences seem to outweigh anything we could ever find familiar. but thats what this experience is all about. being able to recognize and reconcile those differences. and maybe, just maybe, accept that its okay to be different.

of course, there is still that huge step between knowing and acting. it will take a long time and a lot of effort before i can say amy and i are fine. i dont feel anger towards her anymore. instead i feel sorry for her, but i dont want to. pity doesnt do anyone favours. i want her to step up, and take action for her own life. she is so completely socially awkward, that she has managed to alienate the majority of people she meets...in canada at least. even when shes in a group, shes alone. shes in the conversation, but never part of it. she trails people around in silence, latching onto any iota of affection, of inclusion, and by that very action manages to isolate herself even more.

i dont know what her life is like in china. im curious to find out, but i cant promise i will make it there. even now. i make no promises. am i a bad person? or maybe im just human.